Of the pansification of the alpha male

Disclaimer : The following post is meant to be of a humorous nature but due to the sensitivity of the topic the author would like to address those who might be offended : BOG OFF! The author would also like to thank the delightful Claire for inspiring the comment.

Gather round boys, we have a situation that needs be discussing.

There is a conspiracy. A conspiracy that has been set in motion for decades. A conspiracy that strikes at the heart of us men. A conspiracy that if unchecked will change forever the role of the male in this world.

Have you noticed how ultra-uber feminists (and believe me there is only one kind) have over the years grown in power and almost everything they say is taken for as holy scripture ? You dont believe me ? OK, I'll prove it to you. Sexual harrasement in the corporate world does not just mean the occasional groping and inadequate comments (harmful as they are) ... no it also means that a look, a single look interpreted by a woman in a different way can be termed harrasement. Yes. You might be sitting at your desk having a good daydream about GTA 4 or the latest Call of Duty looking into vacant space but unknowing to you the women at the opposite cabin feels like you're staring at her and God forbid if you're gaze is aimed at few inches below her chin.

Exactly. And who do you suppose brought upon us this terror filled atmosphere in the office wherein you cant trust your own eyes ? Feminists. Thats who.

Ahh, the good old days. Roman gladiators no matter how hideous they might have looked would have girls thrown at them. Oh, the girls would scream and thrash but it would do them no good. Why ? Because there were no feminists to intrude upon the nature-given right of the male.

The real man

I see the look in your eyes but I am extremely sorry my brothers: we are no longer that noble race. We have let the feminists slowly and gradually infringe upon our freedom and rights. I say the first instance of such a travesty was Bram Stoker's Dracula when that old good-for-nothing weasel Van Helsing praised Mina Harker as a majestic woman with the brain power of three men. Traitor! I wish that man could see the women who drive on our once male-exclusive roads!

And more traitors gave in. And some more. Women had the right to vote. Equality they wanted! Bah, the worst of their creed came upon the weakest of us and they, being caught unawares, gave in to their every demand. Traitors. Every one of them.

No,no ... dont weep. History has long past gone us by. We have to do something about the present situation that threatens us now.

Hmm ? Arent things bad as it is, you ask ? Brother - its getting worse.

You see the feminists might have got their way by bullying themselves into matters like constitution and laws but they have realised that its not enough. You see, they want to be the dominant sex of our species. A natural travesty that could bring about Armageddon is what they want. And they have devised a plan that will bring about the intended result within the next sixty to seventy years - if not less.

That demonic and diabolical plan is called: The Pansification of the Alpha Male!

In almost every species in the animal kingdom there is the dominant, the ruling alpha male. The one to which the entire pack turns to. Wherever this majestic animal goes; so too goes the ever obedient pack. Not to mention that the alpha male gets his share of food and sex first. That is the equilibrium of the animal kingdom. That is how it should be.

Alpha female ?? Who said that ?? Blasphemy ! Traitor ! Brothers : strip him and make fun of his pecker!

(Hee hee ... he does have a small pecker)

(cough) Where were we ? Ahh yes, the alpha male.

Now, humans have never had an alpha male ever since democracy has entered our lives. And a load of crap that is. But we do have symbolic alpha males. People who we trun to ... people who we try to imitate ... people who lead our pack for every generation.

You still dont get it ? Man, I know I'm intelligent but do I have to tell you everything ???

Oh very well ... its the celebrity male. Yeah, now you nod your heads.

Yes, the celebrity male. Can we forget the manliness of some of those immortals like Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris and might I also add : Ron Jeremy ? (RTB - thanks!) These were men, the real men, the epitome of all that we should be. As an Indian I can pull up a couple of my own Bollywood manly heroes : Dharmendra, Suniel Shetty and Salman Khan (with his woman beating antics).

Ahh yes, true patriots - all of you.

But the vile enemy known as the feminist have set their eyes on them. The above patriots were not to be tempted but the next generation surely was. And what did we get for the next generation ? PANSIES! That's what we got!

Long hair, studs on their eyes, tongue, ears and nose ... oh the list goes on. There are no real action movies anymore. No, no we have action "heroes"who cry over the fact that they have to kill so much. We have "tormented" super-heroes "disturbed" over their choice of life. We have "kick-ass" soldiers who cannot bring themselves to pull the trigger! You call this a movie ??? I call this PANSY!

Oh but the critics love it. They love it. They give it four flowers out of four. I bet they're all pro-feminists. The traitors.

What effect does it have on us, you ask ? Brothers - look around us. The new generation model themselves on these false stars. The grow ridiculously long hair, they wear studs ... and they ... they ... have facials !!!

The Unthinkable

Please dont shed tears. Dont.

And in the end we are left with a generation that will idolize these pansies. The generation to come will become pansies. They will teach their children to be pansies. Hence in three generations the woman will have replaced men as the dominant in our species. We will not have the alpha male anymore.

Its depressing.

What can we do, you ask ?

Boycott the pansies as evil and immoral. Shave every kid's hair. Let them run bald. Encourage facial and chest hair. Lets pool some money and start a propoganda that will run through our childrens bloods. We can do it, damn it ... we are MEN ! (say that with a throaty rage call)

Go forth, brothers. Go forth and lets make this world masculine again.

Heil, mein Alpha Male !

Of sensitive student material

If you're from Kerala then you should know what's been going on this past week. If you're not, here's the gist :

Kerala is now governed by a democratically elected communist government. That's the backbone of this story. This year the government releases a social studies textbook for seventh grade students that is allegedly in tune with the central government textbook frameworks. There's a catch though, the textbook has a chapter that supposedly is trying to instill communist and atheist beliefs in its readers. In this disputed chapter a teacher pats the head of a boy because he wants to join a school without mentioning his religion or caste.

I don't see how this is atheist or communist but I must warn you: I have not read this chapter or the textbook and hence I cant make a sound opinion. That said, I don't see any mistake in teaching secularism.

This textbook has struck a nerve with a lot of people. The religious and conservative have denounced the book, calling it an attack on faith. The Congress party (ironically, this party is founded on the ideals of secularism) calls it communist propaganda. And since this is a student issue, student parties have taken to the streets in protest. If you've been following me on twitter you might remember me twittering about water cannon's and lathi's being used on students in the state capital last week. It happened again in my hometown a couple of days ago which resulted in a violent general strike that brought life to a standstill.

Two days ago, a Muslim student group called the MSF tore the pages and burnt scores of textbooks in a district called Mallapuram. Yesterday, the communist student wing, called the SFI, protesting against violence turned violent themselves and in the process beat up a news reporter!

What the hell ... ?

Again I'm watching ideology take a violent turn. People's lives are being affected for the belief's of others. I'm no sucker for communism and I have been vehemently anti-communist but I sure as hell wont fall for ideology. The Congress party is using this controversy as means to bring down the government and that is all. Believe me, they have no real purpose to satisfy the fundamentalists.

But the religious parties are a different matter. They want this textbook gone and they want it gone real bad. Why ? Because it tries to tell the future that they must judge each other as human beings and not by what they believe in ? What faith are they trying to defend ? The faith that makes them strap bombs onto themselves ? The faith that makes them grab a trishul and brandish it as a weapon ? The faith that has more blood on its hands than any mass murderer ever ?

The child in the textbook has a Hindu father and a Muslim mother. What religion must he jot down ? I think the fundamentalists are more incensed over this question than anything else.

As for the strikes, I cant help but chuckle. This state is in the midst of a financial disaster. We have starving people here. Corruption is rampant. Infrastructure is breaking down. There are animals in a zoo (the Thrissur Zoo) neglected and forgotten.

And what do the "political" parties - government or opposition - do ? The politics that is supposed to take care of its people fights over ideology. They fight over a seventh grade social studies textbook.

This state needs a cultural revolution. This state needs to watch Happy Feet.

Of tradition v/s progress

Among the couple of things that I cant stand, one of them is a world that cant keep up with the times.

A few days back while watching TV with my dad, a regional news channel aired a special report about the corruption of the youth by cellular phones. The report goes on to say that college kids were using mobile phones to watch and share pornography. You should know by now that this is nothing new.

Granted, its a worrying issue. But does it warrant a report that states its a conspiracy by mobile phone companies to increase their sales ? Yep, that's exactly what the said. They said that Nokia and other big companies are actually luring unsuspecting youngsters into buying their products by inserting porn into them and thus increase their sales numbers. They even have a woman agreeing with the theory in a very aggressive manner. If we were to take her word we shouldn't have mobile phones because she blames them for everything from terrorism to extra-marital affairs.

This has happened before. In a closed and restricted society like India modern products are looked upon with suspicion by those who are conservatives. When the Internet started to rear its head out here my uncle stated that it was immoral and evil. I still remember him standing in my living room proclaiming that it was used by loose women to snare young men in their lustful traps. One year later he was chuckling like a child over the fact that he could now pay his bills at home online without having to wait in line.

Heh. I bet he got snared by one of those loose women.

A women's magazine called Vanitha (which means woman) condemned the Internet as a device used by prick-for-a-brain men to seduce, bed and eventually cheat Innocent pure minded women. A mother wrote a letter to the magazine that told the story of her son being addicted to porn on the Internet. The magazine nodded its head and sympathized while warning the readers of the supreme evil called the Internet.

Two years later they gave its readers an email address for feedback.

For all those conservative minds out there : pornography did not come out with the Internet or cell phones. They came out the day man found a way to express his thoughts; be it pictures or words. Pornography has found a way to evolve with the times ... why cant you ?

And to all concerned parents : keep a better eye on your children. Blaming technology is just an escapist way of saying I have no idea what my children do.

Of murders and affairs

K sent me an email today from work. It had this link on it. To proceed I'd recommend you read the entire story and come back.

Done ? Good. Oh and by the way I didn't even know this happened in Bangalore until today. :D

Along with the link was the link to the guy's orkut profile. When I checked, a lot of sympathizers had filled his scrapbook with condolences and heartfelt poems. I'm not providing that link here out of respect for the dead.

And its out of the same respect that I'll be brief about this particular murder which has had guys and gals divided. So in a nutshell :

Guys: before he killed himself, he killed her. He lost my sympathies right there. I've been through a divorce in my family. I know how things can get real ugly and how stories can be twisted. Oh and remember there's an alleged poisoning attempt.

Gals: before you make her a martyr to the feminine cause, here's food for thought: she was alleged to have an affair (which I think is true; reasons later). Now if she did have one, then she blatantly cheated him. That's no reason to have her killed and it sure as hell is no reason to make her a saint. Now if she didn't have an affair, that meant she was probably subject to abuse and she took it ? Twenty first century gals, you don't have to take it anymore. You can walk out before waiting to get killed.

And that's all that I'm going to say about them.

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But I am going to talk about affairs.

I've never been married. I dint plan on doing so anytime soon. But there are the hopes just as anyone else. So I can probably understand what someone goes through when those hopes are shattered. I'm not going to rant like I normally do since you or any other reader might have gone through this painful ordeal and I don't want to push this in your face. However I will be brief and to the point as always.

I wont be dealing with divorce here, because that is something I cant understand yet. For example: couple gets married, couple seperates three months later, cites irreconcilable differences as grounds for divorce. Irreconcilable differences ? Three months later ?

See what I mean ?

Ok, so here you are smack in the middle of an affair. The first question you have to ask yourself is: do you know why ? Why are you satisfied with something outside your marriage? This question takes a lot of soul searching and the answers that come out may not be very pretty but its imperative that you do find an answer to this question coz only then can you move forward.

So, now you know. Next question: is the reason feasible ? If you have kids nows the time to think about them and you're going to have to be brutally honest with yourself. Listen to your brain and not your heart. Is your affair feasible enough to move forward. Do you take it to the next level or not ?

If the answer is yes, then reveal everything to your spouse. This is the hardest I know but believe me this is the best way. You've been cheating on them so far and enough is enough. Let them know. There's going to be long talks, teary nights, heated mornings and thoughtful afternoons. But once you're emotions are out there in the open, that's when you'll know for sure if you still have feelings for each other.

Lastly, live with the decision. You took it, you ended a marriage, so live with it. No time or use for guilt, hurt or what if's. It's over. Move on.

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So, you've just found out that your spouse is having an affair.

Hmm. Tougher.

You've either found out by yourself or they've just told you. Either way you are going to have one real real bad emotional hurricane inside you. Anger, grief, self pity, self hate ... you name it, it'll be there. I'd suggest you let the hurricane ride through. Stay away from your spouse at this point of time. It's for the best.

First question: Why ? Why would they have done it ? Relive your marriage and be your worst critic. Don't go looking for their faults, look for your own. If you're spouse has looked outside the marriage then there was something wrong with it in the first place. You probably haven't kept them happy enough to stay.

But done blame yourself. You can only know that they're unhappy unless they tell you so. But if they have told you so and you're still asking yourself why then you are an idiot.

Second question: is it feasible ? Not the affair but your marriage. Again, kids to think about. Don't think about how this might look in society because society doesn't give shit about your marriage. This thing is personal and always will be. So ask yourself if your marriage is feasible enough to move on. Either way there's going to be a lot of work to do.

If the answer is yes, talk to your spouse. See if they want to move ahead. If they don't want to ... let go. There's nothing to gain by holding them back. Just let go. If they want to give it another try ... well its going to be that hardest couple of years in your life but that's for another post.

Finally: live with the decision. You took it, you live with it. Move on.

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I don't know if I've done justice to this topic. All this is based on things I've seen, experienced and the lot of thought I gave into it. If you think I'm wrong let me know and I'll chew on it.

Until the next rant ... have a happy life.

Of why its not cool to be a guy anymore

So we're planning to go to Goa early next month. I'm awfully excited; I've never been there. The beaches are supposed to be heaven and from what I've heard it sounds like the best place to disconnect yourself from the world.

But then again, reality always comes crashing down. And it did on Goa.

First, this happens. A couple of weeks later; this happens.

Dang it !! You confounded sexually frustrated MORONS !!!

I'll tell you how this is going to affect our plans. Goa is a state that thrives on tourism. Millions of tourists land here every year. When things like this happen on a frequent scale, a lot of tourists are not going to bring themselves or their children here. No tourist driven economy wants that to happen. So what they'll do is beef up their security. BIG TIME.

Now along comes a group of guys, in their mid-20's to relax and take time off from everyday pressure. The tourists that come to Goa, especially the families, are going to look at these young boys with a certain amount of suspicion. Well, who can blame them ? One wrong move and we can be arrested. A vacation in paradise could very well be nightmare in hell.

Isn't that a bit over the edge, you ask ? Maybe. Maybe not.

You see, these things are pretty frequent in India. And since it happens a lot a girl has every right to be apprehensive of a boy because some of them just cant keep their hands to themselves ! Who takes the fall for it ? The guy who's genuinely nice. Try smiling at a girl: 70 percent guaranteed failure. Try buying her flowers: you'll hear from her father and he's not calling to discuss marriage. Try expressing your feelings: slap on the face. Hell, try the simplest, most harmless gesture: trying to talk to a girl and all you'll be met with is a fearful reproach. A guy with genuine intentions just cant survive!

Which is why I cannot stand people who go around groping like their lives depended on it. My sympathies to the victims as I can understand the mental anguish (having had such an encounter on a public bus; but that's another story) but these bastards are hurting us too. Its's because of these nincompoops that we now have to be "politically correct" in everything we say to female colleagues in the office. It's because of these no-brain twits that we have no right to a healthy flirt. It's because of these testosterene driven numbskulls that a look interepreted the wrong way can land you a sexual harrasement lawsuit.

Tell you the truth, I've had enough of taking the fall for them. I cant even talk to a girl while they can go around and do as they please. I am so fed up that I dont even want to think about how this may be averted or how they turn out to be so.

Take them to a shed, line them up against a wall and please, shoot their f***king brains out.

Thank you.

Of neighbors

I have a headache.

We have thin walls. Enough said. As I type this, a kid downstairs has been locked in a room which unfortunately seems to have some sort of ventilation connection to the room in which I am currently sitting. The kid is screaming his vocal cords out so hard that he has to cough for five minutes before he resumes. And this has been going on for thirty minutes.

Now you know why I have a headache.

Kids will always be kids. I totally get that. But what do you do when the parents are equally bad ... maybe worse ? When we shifted here we got wind of a few complaints lodged with the landlord from the residents. Apparently they didnt like the fact that bachelors were coming in. Sure we drink, we smoke and we come in at ungodly hours; but for the love of all that is beautiful we do NOT create the racket they make.

The above-mentioned kid screaming is bad. His mom screaming is worse! That woman has a horrible voice and when she starts to scream she sounds like a crazy hypothermic woman getting laid over and over again. What good is screaming at your kids going to do ? Give him a stern look or punish him or her for something they've done but screaming is not going to help. All its going to do is make the kid think that screaming is the solution to every problem.

Oh but this is just the beginning. The family next door has a couple who are constantly at each other's throat. The sort of language that comes out of these two is unbearable to say the least. And believe me with the sort of language V, K and me use with each other : thats saying something. Not to mention that their fights usually occur at around 7 in the morning. Talk about an effective alarm clock.

The people above are almost invisible. I am yet to see them, but I can hear them constantly. They seem to have something to do with coins. Every half hour you'll hear them drop a ton of them. Are they counting it or are they having some sort of wierd sex game with coins; I may never know. But I can assure you ... coins falling on the floor at regular intervals are among the worst sounds you can possibly fathom.

So there you have it: Kid and crazy mom downstairs; foul mouthed couple to my left and coin creatures up above me. The best neighbors you can ever wish for.

Where the f**k is Siberia and how do I get there ?

Of being a mallu guy

So here I was lazing around at home online on my yahoo messenger when this girl pops up on IM.

I'm not giving out her name, only that she was 19 and from bangalore. We start to chat and she seems pretty nice and genuinely a girl. After many escapades in the yahoo chat rooms I can tell if the person I'm chatting with is a girl or not after a few words without having to confirm with a cam or a mic. Usually I can confirm from the start if the individual starts with "hai" or "hello dear." For those of you who are new to chatting, those words mean its a guy.

Anywayz she was pretty interesting up until the point where she wanted to see me. I switched on the cam, but somehow due to connection problems she was unable to view it. I tried sending her pics but that didnt work out either. I even sent her my pic via email but I kept getting delivery failure messages.

"If your first installation of Windows 2000 does not go well, its always a sign that its not going to go well the second or third time." so said my MCP teacher a long time ago. In other words if something was about to go wrong, God gives you all the signs beforehand so you're prepared.

She started to get agitated. Alarm bells rang in my head but I just thought to myself that she's only 19. A teenager at best. Immaturity is something you have to expect.

I came up with a solution. She could check my orkut account. I usually keep my pics locked but since she was so eager to see me, I thought I could unlock it and let her view. She checks my orkut profile while I wait.

"You're lean" she types.

For some reason I've always thought lean meant tall. But this time I wasnt quite sure. You know how you get that vibe from someone that he or she is dissapointed or irritated ? Well thats what I felt. I dialled V and asked him exactly what lean meant.

It means thin.

Ah.

I type that yes, I am lean.

"Dude, I'm looking for someone well built."

I thought that was it. She'd just block me from now on. I mutter "stupid, stupid" to myself under my breath while typing back that it was ok, but it would have been better if she had told me earlier that that was what she was looking for. I would have been honest.

She says its ok. Guess a body doesnt mean everything, she says.

"So whats your name" she asks.

I tell her my name.

"Ooooooh .... you're a mallu."

I wince. Had she just put me off because I was thin, it wouldnt have mattered. This was something I wasnt very confortable with. I tell her that I hate that word.

"But U are one !!!"

I sit silent, trying to collect my thoughts and refrain all the French (read: curses) from spewing through my fingers onto the keyboard.

A short silence.

"I have a problem with mallus."

Ha! Like I didnt get that earlier.

"I guess this means you dont want to keep in touch from now on."

"Yes. As simple as that. You are an intelligent mallu."

That was the final straw. I sprayed everything that I had in my mind onto the conversation window but I never got a reply. She might have blocked me with that one final statement, or she would have blocked me from the first sentence of my outburst.

Know what pisses me off ? This almost never happens to Keralite girls. I've talked about this to my female friends from Kerala and I've always been met with blank stares. They cant understand it because they've never experienced it. Kerala girls have no problems talking with guys and girls from other states. But when a Keralite guy tries to talk to someone he is instantly labelled "mallu." Believe its not just the girls but the guys too. I had a colleague who once told me that if he would ever become the President of India, he'd place nukes under the border of Kerala and set them off to tear it away from India.

As she said that I was an intelligent mallu, I remembered a scene from Roman Polanski's The Pianist. Adrien Brody's character, a Jew, tries to get away from an apartment where he's been holed up for months but unfortunately is spotted by a neighbor. As he scrambles down the stairs as fast as he can, she screams with utter contempt and hate: "Catch him ! He's a JEW !!!"

Thats how I felt: A Jew in Hitler's Germany.

You think thats stretching it a bit too far ? Check this comment on this blog:

These mallus are the worst cancer to the world…..
Cant c how they call KERALA as God’s “OWN” country!!!!!!!!!!!
As far as i know they are Blood Sucker and GOONDA’S…
They treat Women like they treat dogs…I think that their mother’s are also like that, So they believe all women are like that….
For the fact KERALA has the Heighest Literacy rate and even heigher AIDS rate….
To HELL with the mallu and to HELL goes KERALA

I'm sorry if this offends those who read it. But this is the truth. This is the sort of contempt, we Keralite guys have to endure.

Well I've had enough of my rant and writin about this seems to clear my mind. I think I'll have a beer today and drink to a world without narrow minded idiots.