Of neighbors

I have a headache.

We have thin walls. Enough said. As I type this, a kid downstairs has been locked in a room which unfortunately seems to have some sort of ventilation connection to the room in which I am currently sitting. The kid is screaming his vocal cords out so hard that he has to cough for five minutes before he resumes. And this has been going on for thirty minutes.

Now you know why I have a headache.

Kids will always be kids. I totally get that. But what do you do when the parents are equally bad ... maybe worse ? When we shifted here we got wind of a few complaints lodged with the landlord from the residents. Apparently they didnt like the fact that bachelors were coming in. Sure we drink, we smoke and we come in at ungodly hours; but for the love of all that is beautiful we do NOT create the racket they make.

The above-mentioned kid screaming is bad. His mom screaming is worse! That woman has a horrible voice and when she starts to scream she sounds like a crazy hypothermic woman getting laid over and over again. What good is screaming at your kids going to do ? Give him a stern look or punish him or her for something they've done but screaming is not going to help. All its going to do is make the kid think that screaming is the solution to every problem.

Oh but this is just the beginning. The family next door has a couple who are constantly at each other's throat. The sort of language that comes out of these two is unbearable to say the least. And believe me with the sort of language V, K and me use with each other : thats saying something. Not to mention that their fights usually occur at around 7 in the morning. Talk about an effective alarm clock.

The people above are almost invisible. I am yet to see them, but I can hear them constantly. They seem to have something to do with coins. Every half hour you'll hear them drop a ton of them. Are they counting it or are they having some sort of wierd sex game with coins; I may never know. But I can assure you ... coins falling on the floor at regular intervals are among the worst sounds you can possibly fathom.

So there you have it: Kid and crazy mom downstairs; foul mouthed couple to my left and coin creatures up above me. The best neighbors you can ever wish for.

Where the f**k is Siberia and how do I get there ?

Of being a mallu guy

So here I was lazing around at home online on my yahoo messenger when this girl pops up on IM.

I'm not giving out her name, only that she was 19 and from bangalore. We start to chat and she seems pretty nice and genuinely a girl. After many escapades in the yahoo chat rooms I can tell if the person I'm chatting with is a girl or not after a few words without having to confirm with a cam or a mic. Usually I can confirm from the start if the individual starts with "hai" or "hello dear." For those of you who are new to chatting, those words mean its a guy.

Anywayz she was pretty interesting up until the point where she wanted to see me. I switched on the cam, but somehow due to connection problems she was unable to view it. I tried sending her pics but that didnt work out either. I even sent her my pic via email but I kept getting delivery failure messages.

"If your first installation of Windows 2000 does not go well, its always a sign that its not going to go well the second or third time." so said my MCP teacher a long time ago. In other words if something was about to go wrong, God gives you all the signs beforehand so you're prepared.

She started to get agitated. Alarm bells rang in my head but I just thought to myself that she's only 19. A teenager at best. Immaturity is something you have to expect.

I came up with a solution. She could check my orkut account. I usually keep my pics locked but since she was so eager to see me, I thought I could unlock it and let her view. She checks my orkut profile while I wait.

"You're lean" she types.

For some reason I've always thought lean meant tall. But this time I wasnt quite sure. You know how you get that vibe from someone that he or she is dissapointed or irritated ? Well thats what I felt. I dialled V and asked him exactly what lean meant.

It means thin.

Ah.

I type that yes, I am lean.

"Dude, I'm looking for someone well built."

I thought that was it. She'd just block me from now on. I mutter "stupid, stupid" to myself under my breath while typing back that it was ok, but it would have been better if she had told me earlier that that was what she was looking for. I would have been honest.

She says its ok. Guess a body doesnt mean everything, she says.

"So whats your name" she asks.

I tell her my name.

"Ooooooh .... you're a mallu."

I wince. Had she just put me off because I was thin, it wouldnt have mattered. This was something I wasnt very confortable with. I tell her that I hate that word.

"But U are one !!!"

I sit silent, trying to collect my thoughts and refrain all the French (read: curses) from spewing through my fingers onto the keyboard.

A short silence.

"I have a problem with mallus."

Ha! Like I didnt get that earlier.

"I guess this means you dont want to keep in touch from now on."

"Yes. As simple as that. You are an intelligent mallu."

That was the final straw. I sprayed everything that I had in my mind onto the conversation window but I never got a reply. She might have blocked me with that one final statement, or she would have blocked me from the first sentence of my outburst.

Know what pisses me off ? This almost never happens to Keralite girls. I've talked about this to my female friends from Kerala and I've always been met with blank stares. They cant understand it because they've never experienced it. Kerala girls have no problems talking with guys and girls from other states. But when a Keralite guy tries to talk to someone he is instantly labelled "mallu." Believe its not just the girls but the guys too. I had a colleague who once told me that if he would ever become the President of India, he'd place nukes under the border of Kerala and set them off to tear it away from India.

As she said that I was an intelligent mallu, I remembered a scene from Roman Polanski's The Pianist. Adrien Brody's character, a Jew, tries to get away from an apartment where he's been holed up for months but unfortunately is spotted by a neighbor. As he scrambles down the stairs as fast as he can, she screams with utter contempt and hate: "Catch him ! He's a JEW !!!"

Thats how I felt: A Jew in Hitler's Germany.

You think thats stretching it a bit too far ? Check this comment on this blog:

These mallus are the worst cancer to the world…..
Cant c how they call KERALA as God’s “OWN” country!!!!!!!!!!!
As far as i know they are Blood Sucker and GOONDA’S…
They treat Women like they treat dogs…I think that their mother’s are also like that, So they believe all women are like that….
For the fact KERALA has the Heighest Literacy rate and even heigher AIDS rate….
To HELL with the mallu and to HELL goes KERALA

I'm sorry if this offends those who read it. But this is the truth. This is the sort of contempt, we Keralite guys have to endure.

Well I've had enough of my rant and writin about this seems to clear my mind. I think I'll have a beer today and drink to a world without narrow minded idiots.

Of Valentine's and why I dont like it

Oh I just love that pic.

Valentine's day has its own share of problems without me ranting about it. The Saudi's have already banned everything red from their shops and I bet the Shiv Sena are getting ready for their vigilante marches for tomorrow. And every single person wishes this day never existed. Granted, I dont know if I'm single or not right now (wierd huh?) but I disliked it in general even when I was in a relationship.

I think its cute and I'm all for love, celebration blah-de-blah and thats probably why I dont hate the day. But there are a few things thatI dont like:

Color Codes: Ok, let me get this straight. Red means I'm committed, green means I'm not and white means I'm pathetic. Or is it the other way around ? Bottom line : I DONT GET IT! I tried this thingy back in college and I swear upon my ancestor's grave they kept changing the codes every year just to get on my nerves. These days I just wear multicolored T shirts. Its wierd in a cool sort of way and makes all the V day revellers tear their hair out.

Cards and gifts: Oh you got to get this one right. The unique, mushy, tear jerking card that doesnt exist. I dont get that at all. Whats in a card ? Does it renew your love for the year ? Valentine's was supposed to be more about love than a card or a gift. Period.

"Will you be my valentine ?" Right. Sure. She's been avoiding you for the past three months and you really think she's going to say yes today. Boy, do you live in some creepy fantasy world.

The first call: I gave you all the love I had to give the last 364 days. DOES IT REALLY MATTER THAT I'M 15 MINS LATE ???

Teddy Bears: They're evil. They're silent. They hatch plots, follow you with your eyes and brainwash your girlfriends by whispering subliminal messages in their ears while they sleep. Boys, beware: the teddy will make you lose your girl.

Happy Valentines ! :)