Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Of neighbors

I have a headache.

We have thin walls. Enough said. As I type this, a kid downstairs has been locked in a room which unfortunately seems to have some sort of ventilation connection to the room in which I am currently sitting. The kid is screaming his vocal cords out so hard that he has to cough for five minutes before he resumes. And this has been going on for thirty minutes.

Now you know why I have a headache.

Kids will always be kids. I totally get that. But what do you do when the parents are equally bad ... maybe worse ? When we shifted here we got wind of a few complaints lodged with the landlord from the residents. Apparently they didnt like the fact that bachelors were coming in. Sure we drink, we smoke and we come in at ungodly hours; but for the love of all that is beautiful we do NOT create the racket they make.

The above-mentioned kid screaming is bad. His mom screaming is worse! That woman has a horrible voice and when she starts to scream she sounds like a crazy hypothermic woman getting laid over and over again. What good is screaming at your kids going to do ? Give him a stern look or punish him or her for something they've done but screaming is not going to help. All its going to do is make the kid think that screaming is the solution to every problem.

Oh but this is just the beginning. The family next door has a couple who are constantly at each other's throat. The sort of language that comes out of these two is unbearable to say the least. And believe me with the sort of language V, K and me use with each other : thats saying something. Not to mention that their fights usually occur at around 7 in the morning. Talk about an effective alarm clock.

The people above are almost invisible. I am yet to see them, but I can hear them constantly. They seem to have something to do with coins. Every half hour you'll hear them drop a ton of them. Are they counting it or are they having some sort of wierd sex game with coins; I may never know. But I can assure you ... coins falling on the floor at regular intervals are among the worst sounds you can possibly fathom.

So there you have it: Kid and crazy mom downstairs; foul mouthed couple to my left and coin creatures up above me. The best neighbors you can ever wish for.

Where the f**k is Siberia and how do I get there ?

Monday, February 18, 2008

Of being a mallu guy

So here I was lazing around at home online on my yahoo messenger when this girl pops up on IM.

I'm not giving out her name, only that she was 19 and from bangalore. We start to chat and she seems pretty nice and genuinely a girl. After many escapades in the yahoo chat rooms I can tell if the person I'm chatting with is a girl or not after a few words without having to confirm with a cam or a mic. Usually I can confirm from the start if the individual starts with "hai" or "hello dear." For those of you who are new to chatting, those words mean its a guy.

Anywayz she was pretty interesting up until the point where she wanted to see me. I switched on the cam, but somehow due to connection problems she was unable to view it. I tried sending her pics but that didnt work out either. I even sent her my pic via email but I kept getting delivery failure messages.

"If your first installation of Windows 2000 does not go well, its always a sign that its not going to go well the second or third time." so said my MCP teacher a long time ago. In other words if something was about to go wrong, God gives you all the signs beforehand so you're prepared.

She started to get agitated. Alarm bells rang in my head but I just thought to myself that she's only 19. A teenager at best. Immaturity is something you have to expect.

I came up with a solution. She could check my orkut account. I usually keep my pics locked but since she was so eager to see me, I thought I could unlock it and let her view. She checks my orkut profile while I wait.

"You're lean" she types.

For some reason I've always thought lean meant tall. But this time I wasnt quite sure. You know how you get that vibe from someone that he or she is dissapointed or irritated ? Well thats what I felt. I dialled V and asked him exactly what lean meant.

It means thin.


I type that yes, I am lean.

"Dude, I'm looking for someone well built."

I thought that was it. She'd just block me from now on. I mutter "stupid, stupid" to myself under my breath while typing back that it was ok, but it would have been better if she had told me earlier that that was what she was looking for. I would have been honest.

She says its ok. Guess a body doesnt mean everything, she says.

"So whats your name" she asks.

I tell her my name.

"Ooooooh .... you're a mallu."

I wince. Had she just put me off because I was thin, it wouldnt have mattered. This was something I wasnt very confortable with. I tell her that I hate that word.

"But U are one !!!"

I sit silent, trying to collect my thoughts and refrain all the French (read: curses) from spewing through my fingers onto the keyboard.

A short silence.

"I have a problem with mallus."

Ha! Like I didnt get that earlier.

"I guess this means you dont want to keep in touch from now on."

"Yes. As simple as that. You are an intelligent mallu."

That was the final straw. I sprayed everything that I had in my mind onto the conversation window but I never got a reply. She might have blocked me with that one final statement, or she would have blocked me from the first sentence of my outburst.

Know what pisses me off ? This almost never happens to Keralite girls. I've talked about this to my female friends from Kerala and I've always been met with blank stares. They cant understand it because they've never experienced it. Kerala girls have no problems talking with guys and girls from other states. But when a Keralite guy tries to talk to someone he is instantly labelled "mallu." Believe its not just the girls but the guys too. I had a colleague who once told me that if he would ever become the President of India, he'd place nukes under the border of Kerala and set them off to tear it away from India.

As she said that I was an intelligent mallu, I remembered a scene from Roman Polanski's The Pianist. Adrien Brody's character, a Jew, tries to get away from an apartment where he's been holed up for months but unfortunately is spotted by a neighbor. As he scrambles down the stairs as fast as he can, she screams with utter contempt and hate: "Catch him ! He's a JEW !!!"

Thats how I felt: A Jew in Hitler's Germany.

You think thats stretching it a bit too far ? Check this comment on this blog:

These mallus are the worst cancer to the world…..
Cant c how they call KERALA as God’s “OWN” country!!!!!!!!!!!
As far as i know they are Blood Sucker and GOONDA’S…
They treat Women like they treat dogs…I think that their mother’s are also like that, So they believe all women are like that….
For the fact KERALA has the Heighest Literacy rate and even heigher AIDS rate….
To HELL with the mallu and to HELL goes KERALA

I'm sorry if this offends those who read it. But this is the truth. This is the sort of contempt, we Keralite guys have to endure.

Well I've had enough of my rant and writin about this seems to clear my mind. I think I'll have a beer today and drink to a world without narrow minded idiots.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Of Valentine's and why I dont like it

Oh I just love that pic.

Valentine's day has its own share of problems without me ranting about it. The Saudi's have already banned everything red from their shops and I bet the Shiv Sena are getting ready for their vigilante marches for tomorrow. And every single person wishes this day never existed. Granted, I dont know if I'm single or not right now (wierd huh?) but I disliked it in general even when I was in a relationship.

I think its cute and I'm all for love, celebration blah-de-blah and thats probably why I dont hate the day. But there are a few things thatI dont like:

Color Codes: Ok, let me get this straight. Red means I'm committed, green means I'm not and white means I'm pathetic. Or is it the other way around ? Bottom line : I DONT GET IT! I tried this thingy back in college and I swear upon my ancestor's grave they kept changing the codes every year just to get on my nerves. These days I just wear multicolored T shirts. Its wierd in a cool sort of way and makes all the V day revellers tear their hair out.

Cards and gifts: Oh you got to get this one right. The unique, mushy, tear jerking card that doesnt exist. I dont get that at all. Whats in a card ? Does it renew your love for the year ? Valentine's was supposed to be more about love than a card or a gift. Period.

"Will you be my valentine ?" Right. Sure. She's been avoiding you for the past three months and you really think she's going to say yes today. Boy, do you live in some creepy fantasy world.

The first call: I gave you all the love I had to give the last 364 days. DOES IT REALLY MATTER THAT I'M 15 MINS LATE ???

Teddy Bears: They're evil. They're silent. They hatch plots, follow you with your eyes and brainwash your girlfriends by whispering subliminal messages in their ears while they sleep. Boys, beware: the teddy will make you lose your girl.

Happy Valentines ! :)

Song of the Moment

Dreams by Gabrielle

007 - Gabrielle - ...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Of Ash and the ever increasing idiot media

Two days ago I was watching flipping channels on the tele when the red block letters "BREAKING NEWS" caught my eye. It was Star News and the breaking news was footage of Aishwarya flinging what looked like sand or some sort of brown colored powder out her front gate. Apparently this is was some sort of ritual one does when one believes that an evil eye has been cast upon oneself or oneself's family.

The channel kept showing the footage at regular intervals between stock footage of Ash and Abhishek. They were even circling the aforementioned powder in red so as the viewer would not miss it. The reporter was talking in an all important investigative reporting style about the various scenarios this particular scene could mean. Who was Ash doing the ritual for ? Upon whom had the evil eye been cast ? Who might have cast it ?

Remember the media frenzy when Britney was thought to be pregnant ? Good God, this has to be wierder than that. At that point of time the big news was that the "Kidney kingpin" had been extradited to Delhi, and they were concerned with an evil eye ? And its not the first time either. I distinctly remember experts analyzing footage of Sanjay Dutt praying in a temple and trying figure out what he was praying for. And Aaj Tak showed Big B, Abhishek and Ash praying in another temple a few days after the marriage. Again the so called experts were trying to figure out if the marriage was happy from the couple's faces.

When did Star News and Aaj Tak change from mainstream media to something worse than tabloids ? Is it because they cant find any visually appealing stories ? Or do they think that the Indian public would rather watch celebrities in the every day life than current affairs. Good Lord people, the world is in such a state of distress everywhere and all you have to think about is what Sanjay Dutt is praying ??? If you're an entertainment news channel say so ... dont try to portray yourself as a leading news channel when you report anything but.

Scenario: Couple of years in the future. Ash and Abhishek have a child.

Breaking news: We have amazing footage of the Bachhan child shitting on thir front lawn.

(Footage of a chubby kid without diapers walking on the lawn. The kid abruptly stops, his face strained and the material in question drops .... with a red circle around it)

We now turn to our child specialist, Dr. Gupta. Doctor, from this footage can you tell if that healthy poop or not ? Can you also tell what it might have been so we may try to understand what this child has been fed ?

Dr. Gupta: (clears his throat, hair and tie) Well due to the solid nature and apparent free fall I have to say that it does look healthy. However without an odor analysis I am unable to 100 percent say that it is healthy or what it might have been for that matter.

Meanwhile ... outside the Bachhan compound, the executive producer recieves a message from his boss. He reads the message and barks to his reporter : "We need smell. Jump over that fence, smell that shit and tell me what it smells like .."

The reporter proceeds to jump over the fence while thiking to himself: "This is so not worth 20k a month."

Friday, February 8, 2008

Of Boys and Girls - Part 1

Disclaimer: The following post and the subsequent sequels may give readers the wrong assumption that the author is a sexist. The author wishes to make it clear that he is not against any sex and are basing these posts either on experience or reliable and confirmed sources.

Boy and girl are having a chat on the telephone. There are the usual mooches and cooches, friendly debates and family talk. Just as they are about to hang up ...

Boy: Oh! Almost forgot. I'm off to watch Cloverfield this Friday with Sunil and Harris.

Girl: Really ? This Friday ?

Boy: Yeah, so I wont be able to meet you Friday evening. I've been waiting for this movie a long long time.

Girl: Thats ok, we'll meet on Saturday. No issues.

Boy: Hey, how about if you come along? We havent booked the tickets yet. We can watch the movie together.

Girl: Naa, thats ok. I dont like monster movies. Besides, its a shaky cam film. Those things make me dizzy. You go ahead. Have fun.

Boy: All rightey then. I'll call you tomorrow. Love ya!

Girl: Right back atcha!

Awww. Now isnt that cute ? All that good feelings, warmth and love ? Makes you wanna dive into a relationship doesnt it ? Isnt love just grand ?

Is it ? Really ?

Same characters. Friday evening. Boy's cell rings.

Boy: Hello ?

Girl: Hi. (Short pause. Boy's instincts flare up) What are you upto ?

Boy: Gettin ready. Sunil's comin to pick me up in 5.

Girl: Where to ?

(Alarm bells ring. Boy notices the tone.)

Boy: PVR. Cloverfield. Remember ?

Girl: Oh. (Short pause again) Hmm.

Boy: (dreads to ask, but has to ask) What's wrong ?

Girl: Oh nothing.

Boy: (melts down on to his chair. He has one sock on his feet and the other in his hand.) No really, tell me whats wrong.

Girl: I ... I just thought you wouldnt go.

Boy: Why would I not want to go ? (air horn blows. worong move!)

Girl: (tone noticeably angry) I just thought you'd want to spend time with rather than watch a movie you can see later.

Boy: Didnt we talk about this ? I thought you had no issues. (boy can almost see the girl dismissing her head as though he's missing the point)

Girl: You're missing the point. You can watch the movie later on. It's not going to go anywhere. Even if you do miss it, you can still watch the DVD. Our time is precious, you wont be able to get our time back !

Boy: I dont want to watch the movie on DVD. What good is watching a monster on DVD rather than on the big screen ?

Girl: Tell me something. Am I more important to you than a stupid CGI monster ? Answer me ! Answer me now !

Boy: (frowns in disbelief) Wha ? Wha ... what are you talking about ? Why are you getting so tensed about this. You know thats not true.

Girl: Then dont go.

Boy: What ?!?

Girl: That's right. Dont go. I want to have dinner with you tonight.

(The boy holds his head in despair. You see, this isnt the first time this has happened.)

Boy: I've already booked the tickets. I cant cancel now.

Girl: (sarcastically) Booked the tickets huh? Did you perchance think about me while you were booking the tickets.

Boy: I asked you if you wanted to come !!

Girl: And I said no. Yes. But you could have asked me again. Or you could have booked an extra ticket for me.

Boy: But you said no !!!!!

Girl: Dont you know me at all ? Dont you think I want to spend time with you ? I can watch any stupid movie if its with you. You should have thought about this. I thought you'd call me and say : look I bought an extra ticket because I cant watch this movie without you. You have any idea how much that would have meant to me ?

Boy: But you said no !!!!!

Girl: Stop telling me what I said.

Pause. Girl is fuming. Boy is struggling for words that might defuse the situation.

Boy: Look, I'll make it up to you. I'll spend my whole weekend with you. Anything you want. Anywhere you want to go. I'm your's for the next two days.

Girl: What if I'm not here tomorrow ? What if I have to go someplace urgently ? What if I die tonight ?

Boy: Oh please, dont start with the dying thingy. You're not going to die.

Girl: Nothing is certain. Thats why every minute we have together is precious. And you want to spend those minutes watching some stupid movie with your stupid friends !

(As if on cue, Sunil walks into the room. He comments, rather loudly, on the fact that the Boy isnt dressed yet and talking on the phone when they have to leave NOW)

Girl: (furious that Sunil has butted his big fat head in) Ok, your friends have come. I'm not going to stop you. Who am I to stop you ? Go ahead : watch your stupid movie. But remember this; you're not seeing me again. EVER!

(hangs up. Boy cant believe what just happened)

Boy: F**k man. I think she just broke up with me.

Sunil: (mulls it over) Tough, man. You comin or not ?

The boy looks at Sunil for a few seconds.

Boy: Yeah, sure.

"She's my best friend!"

From my childhood, I was very keen in mingling with girls. But whenever I approach girls, I don’t know why I am always a loser. By the time I joined college, I made up my mind and decided to blend with them. The start was not bad; I could grab the attention of a dazzling and stunning girl named…better not to mention her name, so let it be Ann. Our acquaintance soon grew into a comradeship. It didn’t take much time for me to have a CRUSH (should be my 16th) on her. But as usual, I was a failure here also. As my Guruji says, “Time and tide waits for no man”. Why didn’t I tell her before he (He is of least importance in this story. So no point in mentioning his name. Moreover I hate doing so..:)) did? Why couldn’t I open up? Once lost is lost for ever. No turning back from now on. I did the same any Tom, Dick and Harry would have done. Conceal the facts and tell everyone that “SHEZ MY BEST FRIEND”.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Song of the Moment

Halcyon and on and on by Orbital

Orbital - Halcyon ...

I heard this track a long time ago and remembered it when I heard it on the Mean Girls soundtrack. This easily has to be one of the best techno tracks ever.

Try to think of Dave Bowman saying "its full of stars!" while you're listening.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I'm Mr Burns !

I took a quiz on the link below and this is who I turned out to be:

Well, atleast I'll be rich!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Of Roma and tight dresses

Oh Lord, If only I had a picture for this.

All right. Let's set this thing up for you.

Its Sunday afternoon and we are doing what we normally do. Nothing but TV. So V has the remote and he keeps surfing through the channels until he settles on Asianet. I'm not exactly sure what was on at the time but at some point the TV told us in frames (that were at times slow motion and fast forward the next second) that the Asianet Film Awards 2008 wes being broadcast at 6 in the evening.

Hmm, V mused. Wonder if Roma is going to perform.

I tried to cook up a story that no, Roma hadnt been at the ceremony coz ... well umm ... her mom was sick you know ...

Too late. A slow motion frame of Roma dancing on stage. Curse you Asianet. Curse you to hell.

So, it was fixed. The time slot from 6 to 10 was for the Awards nite. And V waited (quite patienlty, I have to admit) for time to pass. I was ok with it, I had the Simpsons movie to watch and I had already downed three glasses of vodka so I guess anything would have seemed fine to me.

The awards nite began at 6 and it was fairly good. The performances were ok and there wasnt a lot of boring stuff going on. Still I slept through half of oi and woke up at around 8.30. Had Roma come ? No.

I shrugged and went to the bathroom while V clapped his hands at when he heard a few Idea Star Singer names. And so there I was shaking sleep off my system in the bathroom when K shouted out for me.

K: You gotta see this man. Its Roma !! Get you stinking a$$ here right now !!!

I ran to the living room but by then it was too late. Cant blame me, when you gotta go - you gotta go. K was hysterical and V was oddly silent.

Did I miss her ? Naa, shez comin back on but we had a preview says K with a leering smile.

I sit down and hear the details whil I wait for the break to end. It seems Roma is revealing her legs and thighs in the next performance. Not that I'm against legs or thighs; I have nothing against anyone having his right to wear whatever he/she wants. But V's tirade about Roma being a good girl, a nice girl, a decent girl and more importantly a girl who neither I nor K has the right to look at (!!!) was becoming a bit tiring.

The break was over and the anchors called out her name. I clapped, K started giggling and V sat with thick silence.

It was apparent she was wearing stockings. But God was she a mess. A tight dress over a short plump body. Britney shaking her tummy in a bikini was better. This was just gross. I kept commenting on the fact that this girl had no need to wear such a tight dress and all the while my eyes kept going to an ubelieveable bulge on her pelvis. WTF was that ???

Well, she kept prancing and dancing on stage to numbers from Om Shanti Om and when it was finally over K was still giggling and I began my tirade over why that performance was so wrong on so many levels.

V was shattered.

Sorry mate - all that glitters aint gold.

As for Roma, you're cute and you're acting is good. Do not and I repeat: do not do this again. Look at yourself in a mirror before you wear some costume some fool gives you. Tight clothes do bring out beauty but to those who look good in it. You in a tight dress is just some teenager's wet dream.

Of the Simpsons Movie

Its been eighteen years in the making but its finally out! I've been a Simpsons fan for a long long time and I rarely miss the episodes they now air on Star World, even if they are repeats. So I really really wanted to go watch the movie when it came out on theatres but since not one of my friends or roomates watch the Simpsons, they just thought it was some childish cartoon or even worse something that just wasnt funny.

Yeah, as I've said quite a number of times: I'm that kind of guy. The kind of guy who just cant watch a movie by myself.

So, back to the movie. I had to laugh out loud when Ralph sang along with the Fox fanfare and when Bart writes "I will not illegally download this movie" on the chalkboard (talk about irony) and I pretty much giggled through the rest of the movie. There are the classic pop culture references (including one cheesy Disney reference), the satirical one liners and well ... there's Homer.

What I was amazed to see was some really good dramatic scences (check out Marge's tape) and thats something new to the Simpsons. Sure there have been scenes of reconciliation and sorrow in the Simpson series but not quite like this. You can actually feel it in the characters voices and I kinda think that shows the commitment everyone had in making the movie.

Animation is the same Simpson self with computer generated backgrounds. Nothing new there. The story is good, but not as good as some of the episodes. That bummed me out a little.

Another thing I didnt like is the lack of secondary characters. Oh they're there all right but they come and go so fast you probably wont even notice. That was'nt good.

Well, overall a good Simpsons treat but not the gigantic movie everyone was expecting. You'll enjoy it if you are a Simpsons fan and you'll probably like it if you're not. And if you dont get American sense of humor, you'll sleep right through it.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Of Facebooks and the sorts

I joined Facebook today and couldnt understand a thing. I've been using orkut for more than a year now and I guess I got too familiar with its interface. Ahh who knows ... facebook may yet make a believer of me yet.

But honestly hasnt this social networking really peaked yet ? If you're on orkut, your friends are on facebook and if you get there then they're on myspace. Its like endless and countless number of these sites and you really dont know which one to go to. I still remember asking an old friend of mine if she was on orkut and she said no, she was on Tagged and that that was the latest fad going on.

Fad ? I thought this thing was to to connect friends and like minded people; not the latest summer collection.

Oh well, who am I to complain ? I started networking with a real nice site called hi5 which by the way looks like a traversty now. I was forced out of it by someone who thought I was trying to hook up ! (If that someone is reading this, you know I'm talking about you) And then I came to blore, signed up on orkut and have resisted every attempt (read: invitation emails) to convert.

So why now ? :D There's someone on facebook I'm trying to find. Heh heh heh.