Of the pansification of the alpha male

Disclaimer : The following post is meant to be of a humorous nature but due to the sensitivity of the topic the author would like to address those who might be offended : BOG OFF! The author would also like to thank the delightful Claire for inspiring the comment.

Gather round boys, we have a situation that needs be discussing.

There is a conspiracy. A conspiracy that has been set in motion for decades. A conspiracy that strikes at the heart of us men. A conspiracy that if unchecked will change forever the role of the male in this world.

Have you noticed how ultra-uber feminists (and believe me there is only one kind) have over the years grown in power and almost everything they say is taken for as holy scripture ? You dont believe me ? OK, I'll prove it to you. Sexual harrasement in the corporate world does not just mean the occasional groping and inadequate comments (harmful as they are) ... no it also means that a look, a single look interpreted by a woman in a different way can be termed harrasement. Yes. You might be sitting at your desk having a good daydream about GTA 4 or the latest Call of Duty looking into vacant space but unknowing to you the women at the opposite cabin feels like you're staring at her and God forbid if you're gaze is aimed at few inches below her chin.

Exactly. And who do you suppose brought upon us this terror filled atmosphere in the office wherein you cant trust your own eyes ? Feminists. Thats who.

Ahh, the good old days. Roman gladiators no matter how hideous they might have looked would have girls thrown at them. Oh, the girls would scream and thrash but it would do them no good. Why ? Because there were no feminists to intrude upon the nature-given right of the male.

The real man

I see the look in your eyes but I am extremely sorry my brothers: we are no longer that noble race. We have let the feminists slowly and gradually infringe upon our freedom and rights. I say the first instance of such a travesty was Bram Stoker's Dracula when that old good-for-nothing weasel Van Helsing praised Mina Harker as a majestic woman with the brain power of three men. Traitor! I wish that man could see the women who drive on our once male-exclusive roads!

And more traitors gave in. And some more. Women had the right to vote. Equality they wanted! Bah, the worst of their creed came upon the weakest of us and they, being caught unawares, gave in to their every demand. Traitors. Every one of them.

No,no ... dont weep. History has long past gone us by. We have to do something about the present situation that threatens us now.

Hmm ? Arent things bad as it is, you ask ? Brother - its getting worse.

You see the feminists might have got their way by bullying themselves into matters like constitution and laws but they have realised that its not enough. You see, they want to be the dominant sex of our species. A natural travesty that could bring about Armageddon is what they want. And they have devised a plan that will bring about the intended result within the next sixty to seventy years - if not less.

That demonic and diabolical plan is called: The Pansification of the Alpha Male!

In almost every species in the animal kingdom there is the dominant, the ruling alpha male. The one to which the entire pack turns to. Wherever this majestic animal goes; so too goes the ever obedient pack. Not to mention that the alpha male gets his share of food and sex first. That is the equilibrium of the animal kingdom. That is how it should be.

Alpha female ?? Who said that ?? Blasphemy ! Traitor ! Brothers : strip him and make fun of his pecker!

(Hee hee ... he does have a small pecker)

(cough) Where were we ? Ahh yes, the alpha male.

Now, humans have never had an alpha male ever since democracy has entered our lives. And a load of crap that is. But we do have symbolic alpha males. People who we trun to ... people who we try to imitate ... people who lead our pack for every generation.

You still dont get it ? Man, I know I'm intelligent but do I have to tell you everything ???

Oh very well ... its the celebrity male. Yeah, now you nod your heads.

Yes, the celebrity male. Can we forget the manliness of some of those immortals like Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris and might I also add : Ron Jeremy ? (RTB - thanks!) These were men, the real men, the epitome of all that we should be. As an Indian I can pull up a couple of my own Bollywood manly heroes : Dharmendra, Suniel Shetty and Salman Khan (with his woman beating antics).

Ahh yes, true patriots - all of you.

But the vile enemy known as the feminist have set their eyes on them. The above patriots were not to be tempted but the next generation surely was. And what did we get for the next generation ? PANSIES! That's what we got!

Long hair, studs on their eyes, tongue, ears and nose ... oh the list goes on. There are no real action movies anymore. No, no we have action "heroes"who cry over the fact that they have to kill so much. We have "tormented" super-heroes "disturbed" over their choice of life. We have "kick-ass" soldiers who cannot bring themselves to pull the trigger! You call this a movie ??? I call this PANSY!

Oh but the critics love it. They love it. They give it four flowers out of four. I bet they're all pro-feminists. The traitors.

What effect does it have on us, you ask ? Brothers - look around us. The new generation model themselves on these false stars. The grow ridiculously long hair, they wear studs ... and they ... they ... have facials !!!

The Unthinkable

Please dont shed tears. Dont.

And in the end we are left with a generation that will idolize these pansies. The generation to come will become pansies. They will teach their children to be pansies. Hence in three generations the woman will have replaced men as the dominant in our species. We will not have the alpha male anymore.

Its depressing.

What can we do, you ask ?

Boycott the pansies as evil and immoral. Shave every kid's hair. Let them run bald. Encourage facial and chest hair. Lets pool some money and start a propoganda that will run through our childrens bloods. We can do it, damn it ... we are MEN ! (say that with a throaty rage call)

Go forth, brothers. Go forth and lets make this world masculine again.

Heil, mein Alpha Male !

Of Reality TV

When they came out, people were like ooooh and aaaah! I remember the first reality show I saw : Survivor. I never really got the point of it. What did they try to accomplish other than TV ratings and ad money ? A moral statement that said humans dont blend so well under harsh circumstances ? I gotta tell you ... that's nothing new.

Why was everyone so goo goo gaa gaa over reality shows ? The news channel is a true reality show. No one drools over that ? No, people seem to have an affection to shows where people's characters are either ripped apart or showered in gold. Put in a celebrity or two and you've got big dollars in revenue. There isn't a decent sitcom or show that you can honestly sink into. Why ? Because everyone wants be an idol or a superhero or the last person to come out of a house.

A couple of days ago I was watching an Indian reality show. I dont remember the channel, it was either 9x or Sony. Anyhoo, the contestants were children and they were required to dance their way to glory. The anchors were people I have never seen before and the judges included Raveena Tandon (who still looks gorgeous, by the way) and two others who, again, I have no idea. When it came to the elimination, the audience decided to vote out a pair who had been lavishly praised and honestly to me looked talented.

I have no idea why they were voted out, but the audience looked like they were least interested and maybe, just maybe they had voted randomly on the unfortunate pair. The kids were crying like hell and I dont blame them. They're young and they had to cope with failure at a very tender age.

The anchors however were bawling too ! The lady anchor was openly crying and the male anchor sits down on the floor with an obviously fake look of devastation on his face. He wipes his eyes periodically but for the love of me I couldnt see any tears coming out of them. And just when you thought he couldnt make it any worse the guy actually starts to sing a sad song!

Oh, for the love of God !

Suffice to say, I switched channels immediately.

Celebrity shows are another thing I cant stand. I did not watch the Paris Hilton show on principle but I did have the misfortune of watching the Paula Abdul show and the Hogan show. The Paula Abdul show was annoying to the core and I just couldnt stand it anymore when she started crying because her assistant forgot to bring her matching shoes to her dress. Really ... how long can you take it when a watch a woman do this all the time:



Woman, get a grip!

And the Hogan show just made me feel really uncomfortable. There is something seriously wrong with that family.

TV guys, if you're reading, please please ... scout for some great sitcoms like Frasier and Seinfield or even Friends but please cut down on the reality shows. You're basically sending the next generation the wrong idea that future TV lies with no soul reality shows.

Believe me, I would not want to live in such an era.

Of Kareena and Size Zero

Know what, there's been a lot of sad emotions going through this blog for quite some time now. I think it really needs a good facelift. And what better way to do that than with a nice healthy rant !

Now, I normally dont do celebrities but I just have to on this particular topic.

The media has been going goo-gaa over the fact that Kareena has become a size zero. For those of you who dont know, Kareena is a top Bollywood actress (images later) who recently acted in a box-office dud called "Tashan". In this movie she wears a lime green bra that seems to have bowled over everyone's mind. If she really is a size zero I DO NOT want to see her in that lime green bra ever again !

Ok, here's prespective because images are way better than words in such a case:

This is Kareena, voluptuous, sexy and absolutely delicious in Don.



This is Kareena, famished, looking like she might just faint and her RIBS showing in Tashan:



This is what the glorious people over at MSN India had to say about the above pic :

She has not looked so hot on screen ever before. She is surely making heads turn with her image makeover and personal life.

Here's something I'd like to say to the MSN India dickheads: a majority of us guys like girls with meat on her bones. We would prefer not feeling her endoskeleton in bed.

Now there are a lot of teenage girls already gaping at what many concieve is going to be the latest fad in women fashion. If you are one of those teenage girls then here's something to ponder about. As freakishly scary Kareena looks in that absolutely wierd picture that is NOT size zero.

This is size zero:



If anyone thinks the above pic is not that bad ... here's some more food for thought. The two girls in the above pic are Uruguayan size zero models. They're names are Eliana and Louisel Ramos. They're sisters. They're also dead ... both from malnutrition.

Dead. Ok ? That's the danger when you try going Size Zero. You can end up DEAD!

Ladies, please keep your curves on. They are way more sexier than ribs ... and they are absolutely cute. So please go ahead, grab a burger and believe me : no one wants to see you as a size zero.

Of Ash and the ever increasing idiot media

Two days ago I was watching flipping channels on the tele when the red block letters "BREAKING NEWS" caught my eye. It was Star News and the breaking news was footage of Aishwarya flinging what looked like sand or some sort of brown colored powder out her front gate. Apparently this is was some sort of ritual one does when one believes that an evil eye has been cast upon oneself or oneself's family.

The channel kept showing the footage at regular intervals between stock footage of Ash and Abhishek. They were even circling the aforementioned powder in red so as the viewer would not miss it. The reporter was talking in an all important investigative reporting style about the various scenarios this particular scene could mean. Who was Ash doing the ritual for ? Upon whom had the evil eye been cast ? Who might have cast it ?

Remember the media frenzy when Britney was thought to be pregnant ? Good God, this has to be wierder than that. At that point of time the big news was that the "Kidney kingpin" had been extradited to Delhi, and they were concerned with an evil eye ? And its not the first time either. I distinctly remember experts analyzing footage of Sanjay Dutt praying in a temple and trying figure out what he was praying for. And Aaj Tak showed Big B, Abhishek and Ash praying in another temple a few days after the marriage. Again the so called experts were trying to figure out if the marriage was happy from the couple's faces.

When did Star News and Aaj Tak change from mainstream media to something worse than tabloids ? Is it because they cant find any visually appealing stories ? Or do they think that the Indian public would rather watch celebrities in the every day life than current affairs. Good Lord people, the world is in such a state of distress everywhere and all you have to think about is what Sanjay Dutt is praying ??? If you're an entertainment news channel say so ... dont try to portray yourself as a leading news channel when you report anything but.

Scenario: Couple of years in the future. Ash and Abhishek have a child.

Breaking news: We have amazing footage of the Bachhan child shitting on thir front lawn.

(Footage of a chubby kid without diapers walking on the lawn. The kid abruptly stops, his face strained and the material in question drops .... with a red circle around it)

We now turn to our child specialist, Dr. Gupta. Doctor, from this footage can you tell if that healthy poop or not ? Can you also tell what it might have been so we may try to understand what this child has been fed ?

Dr. Gupta: (clears his throat, hair and tie) Well due to the solid nature and apparent free fall I have to say that it does look healthy. However without an odor analysis I am unable to 100 percent say that it is healthy or what it might have been for that matter.

Meanwhile ... outside the Bachhan compound, the executive producer recieves a message from his boss. He reads the message and barks to his reporter : "We need smell. Jump over that fence, smell that shit and tell me what it smells like .."

The reporter proceeds to jump over the fence while thiking to himself: "This is so not worth 20k a month."