Of Race

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For those of you who don't like long rambling movie critiques I'll give it to you in a nutshell. Watch this movie till the intermission and then run for your life. Because as much as the story will engross you in the first hour it will literally kill you as you watch further.

Abbas-Mastan the "director-duo" has made a movie that is basically a carbon copy of their previous movies as well as using some silly Bollywood gimmicks of the crazy nineties. If you've watched their movies before then you'll know that this is a fast paced suspense thriller with twists every five minutes and characters who are all shady. There are so many twists in this movie that its hard to keep count. Murder, sex, betrayal and money - the four pillars or Abbas Mastan movies are in here and you have to wonder what these two think of themselves and their audience when they keep churning out the same formula every two years. Come on guys ... at least be creative.

The plot revolves around two brothers, Saif and Akshaye with Saif being the older, who are involved in a horse race outfit somewhere in Durban. Saif, the mature of the two has feelings for Bipasha Basu who incidentally is also the object of affection for Akshaye. Saif in an attempt to curb Akshaye's drinking problem sacrifices his love and steps aside as the two flirt their way into marriage. Meanwhile Saif has a secretary Katrina Kaif who harbors a secret crush for her boss which he mistakes as affection. Throw a murder into this outfit and you have an investigating officer Anil Kapoor who in turn is adored and worshipped by his assistant Sameera Reddy.

Put in a few twists, boil it for a while and you have Race.

The fact that I named the actors playing their respective roles and not the characters will tell you how disgusted I am with this movie. Race has potential and if the above plot had been presented in a slightly different manner we would have had a blockbuster. The first half is actually quite good with at least one good twist. Anil Kapoor comes in at the intermission and then everything goes to hell.

What is this man doing? He's a fine actor but why does he keep taking roles that portray him as some intelligent genius who cracks one liners and really poor sex related jokes ? He is horrible to watch in this movie. Every scene of his is embarrassing. The jokes aren't funny, his lewd approach to women aren't funny, his appearance isn't funny and he does not really add to the plot. Add to this travesty of screen casting is Sameera Reddy who plays his assistant (???) in skimpy clothes and no brains. All she has to do is keep reminding the audience that she works for a genius and strut her stuff. That is it. If there was any character you had to take off from this film, it has to be her.

Katrina Kaif is another failure in this movie. Oh yes she's gorgeous with some really sexy legs but in the name of everything that is good and holy will everyone please stop telling me that she's the next big Bollywood actress. While I wont doubt the fact that she can act (Namaste London for ex) she falls flat on her face in Race. Her role is of importance to the plot but somehow all she does is walk around in mini office skirts and smile. Her one scene of sorrow is pure torture.

Saif, I think, is trying to break his image as the confused romantic comedian and he does well in a new role. Bipasha too does justice while Akshay breezes through a role he has done quite often in the past. However they are all let down by an awful script and some really corny lines. At one point in the movie a character says "girne aur marne mey bahut fark hota hai" which when translated means : there's a difference between falling and dying.

Well ... DUH !!!

While there are no plot holes which left me mildly surprised there are a number of goof ups particularly in the geography department. The story is set in Durban, South Africa but when Katrina takes a coke out of her refrigerator, the Arabic letters of "Coke" can be clearly seen. (Due to the fact that half the movie was shot in Dubai Media City) And the climactic race scene goes through three countries, namely: South Africa, UAE and India. This particular sequence is so stupid that one car driving through the desert goes through a tunnel and lo, behold when he comes out he's on the edge of a cliff above a thick dense forest.

That is just plain insulting the viewers intelligence.

There is one great highlight in this movie. A one minute sequence featuring the veteran Johnny Lever. I've not been a great fan of this comedian but I must admit he was a pure gem in his brief scene. It's so great that its sad to know that something so well done had to be placed in a movie so bad.

Give Race a miss. You wont regret it.

Of murders and affairs

K sent me an email today from work. It had this link on it. To proceed I'd recommend you read the entire story and come back.

Done ? Good. Oh and by the way I didn't even know this happened in Bangalore until today. :D

Along with the link was the link to the guy's orkut profile. When I checked, a lot of sympathizers had filled his scrapbook with condolences and heartfelt poems. I'm not providing that link here out of respect for the dead.

And its out of the same respect that I'll be brief about this particular murder which has had guys and gals divided. So in a nutshell :

Guys: before he killed himself, he killed her. He lost my sympathies right there. I've been through a divorce in my family. I know how things can get real ugly and how stories can be twisted. Oh and remember there's an alleged poisoning attempt.

Gals: before you make her a martyr to the feminine cause, here's food for thought: she was alleged to have an affair (which I think is true; reasons later). Now if she did have one, then she blatantly cheated him. That's no reason to have her killed and it sure as hell is no reason to make her a saint. Now if she didn't have an affair, that meant she was probably subject to abuse and she took it ? Twenty first century gals, you don't have to take it anymore. You can walk out before waiting to get killed.

And that's all that I'm going to say about them.

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But I am going to talk about affairs.

I've never been married. I dint plan on doing so anytime soon. But there are the hopes just as anyone else. So I can probably understand what someone goes through when those hopes are shattered. I'm not going to rant like I normally do since you or any other reader might have gone through this painful ordeal and I don't want to push this in your face. However I will be brief and to the point as always.

I wont be dealing with divorce here, because that is something I cant understand yet. For example: couple gets married, couple seperates three months later, cites irreconcilable differences as grounds for divorce. Irreconcilable differences ? Three months later ?

See what I mean ?

Ok, so here you are smack in the middle of an affair. The first question you have to ask yourself is: do you know why ? Why are you satisfied with something outside your marriage? This question takes a lot of soul searching and the answers that come out may not be very pretty but its imperative that you do find an answer to this question coz only then can you move forward.

So, now you know. Next question: is the reason feasible ? If you have kids nows the time to think about them and you're going to have to be brutally honest with yourself. Listen to your brain and not your heart. Is your affair feasible enough to move forward. Do you take it to the next level or not ?

If the answer is yes, then reveal everything to your spouse. This is the hardest I know but believe me this is the best way. You've been cheating on them so far and enough is enough. Let them know. There's going to be long talks, teary nights, heated mornings and thoughtful afternoons. But once you're emotions are out there in the open, that's when you'll know for sure if you still have feelings for each other.

Lastly, live with the decision. You took it, you ended a marriage, so live with it. No time or use for guilt, hurt or what if's. It's over. Move on.

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So, you've just found out that your spouse is having an affair.

Hmm. Tougher.

You've either found out by yourself or they've just told you. Either way you are going to have one real real bad emotional hurricane inside you. Anger, grief, self pity, self hate ... you name it, it'll be there. I'd suggest you let the hurricane ride through. Stay away from your spouse at this point of time. It's for the best.

First question: Why ? Why would they have done it ? Relive your marriage and be your worst critic. Don't go looking for their faults, look for your own. If you're spouse has looked outside the marriage then there was something wrong with it in the first place. You probably haven't kept them happy enough to stay.

But done blame yourself. You can only know that they're unhappy unless they tell you so. But if they have told you so and you're still asking yourself why then you are an idiot.

Second question: is it feasible ? Not the affair but your marriage. Again, kids to think about. Don't think about how this might look in society because society doesn't give shit about your marriage. This thing is personal and always will be. So ask yourself if your marriage is feasible enough to move on. Either way there's going to be a lot of work to do.

If the answer is yes, talk to your spouse. See if they want to move ahead. If they don't want to ... let go. There's nothing to gain by holding them back. Just let go. If they want to give it another try ... well its going to be that hardest couple of years in your life but that's for another post.

Finally: live with the decision. You took it, you live with it. Move on.

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I don't know if I've done justice to this topic. All this is based on things I've seen, experienced and the lot of thought I gave into it. If you think I'm wrong let me know and I'll chew on it.

Until the next rant ... have a happy life.

Of hating oneself

Have you ever hated yourself ? I know I have for the past couple of years. As you may know by now I've had three break ups so far and that means three heartbreaks and three instances where I've doubted myself. The last one was pretty damaging to the extent that finding the will to live was pretty hard to find.

I know, I know ... you must be thinking: God damn it, not another sorry frickin sap writing about his broken heart and trying to find sympathy. Well no. I don't believe you can find sympathy across the net. That's one good thing about this forest of wires and that's you'll find the most amount of sarcasm and hard hitting in your face advice anywhere in the world.

So yeah, I'm going to take a cue out of that. I'm going to rant about this despicable nature of humans: hating themselves and I'm going to start with myself.

I used to blame God for all this. You're probably familiar with that too. Anything goes wrong with my life, the first thing I do is turn up to the skies and ask : Why??
Well if God exists and he sat up there in heaven listening to me he'd probably crumple his Starbucks cup and scream back: "ME ?? What are you blaming me for ?? You didn't become an engineer ? DUH !!! Who was the one who didn't attend classes for the two years in pre-grad school ? Three heartbreaks ? DUDE ! Its you !! Nothing wrong with the girls. Its fricking you !! And you have the nerve to blame me ??!!"

If God was the scary omnipotent some cultures think He (or She) is I'd have been struck by lightning 1200 times by now.

So when I realized this important factor, I guessed I couldn't blame anyone else but myself. And so started the self-hating era. Remember Marvin from The Hitchhikers Guide? Well I was kind of like that. Nobody wants to talk to me. Nobody wants to be friends with me. Nobody wants to love me. Whats the point of it all ? Why not just end it ? Blah blah blahde blah!

Ewwwwww. I cringe with embarrassment and clench my fists in anger.

Ok, first off: thinking about suicide is cowardly. Plain and simple. I believe that the ones who do kill themselves have probably been driven to that ends of insanity to point a gun to their temple and pull the trigger. Thinking about it is a different matter. That means the individual is a plain scaredy cat. He's too scared to live and he's too scared to die. Either do it or don't but before you do remember this: it takes more courage to live than to die. And while we're on this point, no that life threatening disease is not coming your way. So stop hoping for it. The people who suffer from them would probably like to push a few stakes up your a$$ for thinking about it.

Get a life! No, no thats wrong. You already HAVE a life ! A life you messed up!! So get up on your feet and start molding it.

Remember Rumsfield saying that you go to war with what you have and with not what you wish you had ? While I disagree with the timing and the context of that statement it rings true in life. We all have dreams. We all have ambitions. I want to be an Academy Award winning screenplay writer. Thats my ultimate goal. Before when I used to look at the ruins of my life I used to go berserk over the fact that I'd never get to where I want to be. Well guess what, you'll never know until you get there. So if ever you feel that you're not going to get anywhere and will be stuck in this ditch forever then just do the following:

Shut the f**k up and start climbing. Either you'll get out or you'll die trying. Both are good.

And finally for those hopeless romantics: LOVE IS NOT EVERYTHING! Oh it sure will seem like it but its not! Out of the six billion in the world one billion probably hates you because of either your ethnicity, your religion, your color, your gender or your sexual preference. Does it really matter ... that things didn't work out with the one person you thought was your soul mate ? If you've been dumped; take it from me : that's the best time to clean your act. In fact I think that is the best thing that will have happened to you. You will not find a better chance of looking at yourself for what you really are. If you still cant deal with it check my previous post.

If you think I've missed out on a few crucial points let me know. And please don't bring religion into this. Not that I dislike religions, its just that I believe in humanity more and I want this post to be about humanity.

Of absolutely nothing

First a few updates. If you're listening to music right now thats because I put in a playlist widget that has some of my favorite tracks. If you dont like the music you're hearing scroll down to the bottom of the page and turn it off. :)

I've begun writing again. Oh right I didn't mention this earlier. I'm a writer ... have been since I was nine years old when I wrote my first story about Tom and Jerry. Over the years I've written lots of short fiction; some of which were published on a writing forum called Strange Minds. Sadly this site is now under renewal so you wont be able to read my stories.

I've been grappling with writers block for over a year but this time I have a fully etched story in my mind and hopefully that will get me back on track. I will be posting the stories on my other blog which is inactive as of now. Also I'm working on a movie blog which will roll out sometime next month. Again, something I didnt mention before is that I'm a scathing film critic. Just ask V and K, they never want to watch a movie with me since I speak my mind quite clearly and loudly. Infact once I was so disgusted with a Bollywood movie that I just stood up and hurled Urdu curses at it. I was promptly thrown out by the ever alert attenders.

Oh, I've also put in a map widget which tells me where the readers of this blog come from. I have to tell you, its quite surprising when you see hits from places like Fujisawa, Japan and some village in Yemen. Even more surprisingly I had a visitor from Kabul today. If you're the reader from Kabul, may your beautiful country be rebuilt as soon as possible, may you live a long peacefule lives and may those Talib bastards never bother you again. Unless you are one of those Talib bastards which would mean that I'm probably marked for death.

Hmm.

Speaking of Afghanistan, did you know that they are die hard fans of Bollywood movies? Yeah, they dont like Hollywood so much but the they'll swear by some yesteryear Bollywood bigshots like the Big B and Dharmendra.

Oh and do you who else are huge fans ? Iraqi's. Unbelieveable huh? Its true. When I was in Abu Dhabi I used to see lots of Iraqi's rent Bollywood movies to watch with their families. I really dont get that. Some of the Arabic movies are really good with some exemplary performances but they seem to quite at home reading the Arabic subtitles of an over the top Bollywood flick. Keep in mind that this was during the crazy nineties of the Bollywood era. You remember the nineties dont you, when the actors performed aerobics during the dance sequences ?

Ok, well if you're not familiar with that era let me warn you. Do not rent any nineties movie, particularly the early nineties. Now if you're that adamant I'll give you a gist of what every movie would have at that point of time. There would be a hero, his lady love and then the villain. The start of the movie would have some cheesy comedy, a love story, a bit of drama in the middle (tears and dramatic dialogues) and some wham-bam action scenes at the end which would result in the villain's death. Now if it was directed or pened by some sadist you'd probably witness the death of the hero or the lady love too. There. Thats around 5000 movies of the nineties right there.

Of course Bollywood is all different now. The trend is the be different. And they're overdoing it to the point that the "different" stories are now a whole load of crap they expect you to believe. Oh and if they cant find any "different" stories, well they'll just lift it off from other movie industries. At first these sorry saps blatantly copied Hollywood themes, but now since Generation X has got brains in their heads, they're copying other regional movies like Korea and Japan. Yeah right, like we'll never know. Suckers.

Hmm.

Its Good Friday as well as Holi. So if you're in India you're going to see a lot of people running around with colored powder in their hands, throwing it at each other. Quite a fun sight. You get some color on your face and you get to meet some girls. The other way around if you're a girl.

Lately I've been entertaining thoughts about going back to the UAE. I havent decided yet but one thing that bothers me is the URL of this blog. It wouldnt be "Live from Bangalore" if I were posting from Dubai would it ? I wonder if I can change that.

Hmm.

Oh, and here are a few really great blogs that I've read over the past few months:

"The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely" : Caution: if you dont like crude sexual humor you're not going to like this. On the other hand if you've liked the Flashman Chronicles you're going to love this blog. This guy writes fabulously.

"Fthe.net" : An inactive blog ranting about technology. Read the post where the author encounters a Nigerian scamster. Absolutely hilarious.

"The Offended Blogger" : Again, offensive humor. So enter at your own discretion. Again a tremendous feat of writing. The author has has me in splits with every post!

"Shirley the Republican" : This is one crazy woman. Extreme left wing conservative. (I think I said that right. Tell me if I'm wrong.) Read her posts, you'll be fuming within the hour. That is of course if you and I have the same mentality. I fumed up the first few times I visited but now I just laugh out loud at her posts.

And I also found a great social networking site for bloggers called Blog Catalog. Great place for bloggers to hang out. I spend most of the time on the internet there. Great community, great people and some great blogs. If you havent joined, I'd suggest you do.

I'm on the lookout for some nice Indian blogs. If any of you readers know of one or have an Indian blog, let me know.

I guess thats it for now. Until the next post, happy Holi and happy Easter !

Of why its not cool to be a guy anymore

So we're planning to go to Goa early next month. I'm awfully excited; I've never been there. The beaches are supposed to be heaven and from what I've heard it sounds like the best place to disconnect yourself from the world.

But then again, reality always comes crashing down. And it did on Goa.

First, this happens. A couple of weeks later; this happens.

Dang it !! You confounded sexually frustrated MORONS !!!

I'll tell you how this is going to affect our plans. Goa is a state that thrives on tourism. Millions of tourists land here every year. When things like this happen on a frequent scale, a lot of tourists are not going to bring themselves or their children here. No tourist driven economy wants that to happen. So what they'll do is beef up their security. BIG TIME.

Now along comes a group of guys, in their mid-20's to relax and take time off from everyday pressure. The tourists that come to Goa, especially the families, are going to look at these young boys with a certain amount of suspicion. Well, who can blame them ? One wrong move and we can be arrested. A vacation in paradise could very well be nightmare in hell.

Isn't that a bit over the edge, you ask ? Maybe. Maybe not.

You see, these things are pretty frequent in India. And since it happens a lot a girl has every right to be apprehensive of a boy because some of them just cant keep their hands to themselves ! Who takes the fall for it ? The guy who's genuinely nice. Try smiling at a girl: 70 percent guaranteed failure. Try buying her flowers: you'll hear from her father and he's not calling to discuss marriage. Try expressing your feelings: slap on the face. Hell, try the simplest, most harmless gesture: trying to talk to a girl and all you'll be met with is a fearful reproach. A guy with genuine intentions just cant survive!

Which is why I cannot stand people who go around groping like their lives depended on it. My sympathies to the victims as I can understand the mental anguish (having had such an encounter on a public bus; but that's another story) but these bastards are hurting us too. Its's because of these nincompoops that we now have to be "politically correct" in everything we say to female colleagues in the office. It's because of these no-brain twits that we have no right to a healthy flirt. It's because of these testosterene driven numbskulls that a look interepreted the wrong way can land you a sexual harrasement lawsuit.

Tell you the truth, I've had enough of taking the fall for them. I cant even talk to a girl while they can go around and do as they please. I am so fed up that I dont even want to think about how this may be averted or how they turn out to be so.

Take them to a shed, line them up against a wall and please, shoot their f***king brains out.

Thank you.

Of the worst day ever

Oh yes, it sure counted as the worst day in my life so far. I'm not going to tell you the causes but I can say its not any different from some of the life altering events people around the world have.

Within a span of 24 this issue cropped up from small to resolvable to huge, unbelievably huge and finally utterly irreparable. Of course I watched these events go by with a weary eye but somehow I kept feeling that it would blow over.

It didn't.

And in the span of two hours it turned horrible.

And as if on cue everything else started turning bad. Dogs started chasing me. Birds dropped their poop on me. I kept being pushed around in a crowd. Someone crushed my left foot. And to top it all as night began to fall it started to get bitterly cold and I had no jacket. Perfect. Cold on the outside and cold on the inside.

But that wasn't the worst. The worst was the short term triggered panic attacks.

Have you had them ? They're quite something. You start to sweat. Your chest hurts. Uncontrollable trembling begins. Finger movement - right out the window. You cant sit. You cant stand. Hell you cant walk without almost falling over. All you can do is lie down but that doesn't quite help with the turmoil inside you. Listening to music is not an option, its likely to give you a headache. Suicide, at this point of time, is a welcome thought. And I'm not joking.

First time panic attack victims always mistake it for a heart attack. I've had these before so I knew it wasn't that. This is something only the mind can cure. And without outside help it isn't, by far, the easiest thing to do.

I flip open my cell and dial my sister. Its an international call but who the hell cares ?

Sis: Whats up ?

Me: You're not busy are you.

Sis: I'm in the office, but tell me whats up.

Me: I'm going to ask you something and I need you to be honest.

Sis: Yeah, sure.

Me: Do you love me ?

Sis: What sort of a stupid question is that ?

And I grinned.

I told her what the issue was and she said yes, of course she loved me but the truth is she cured me with that half-hazard question. I just couldn't stop grinning.

Believe me when your having a panic attack, something funny goes a long way in saving your a$$.

Thanks a lot sis. I love you. The world still seems bleak and dead to me, but with you by my side I'm pretty sure I can weather it.

Have a great evening everyone !

World, we have a problem

I am living with the Devil himself.

Don't believe me ? See for yourself: Mathematical proof that vishal kc is the Antichrist!

Grrr. I should have known from the day he stole my cap! And on the day he changed his name.

But dont you worry. K and I will sort this out. We wont let this foul creature unleash Armageddon upon us. We have our pitchforks ready.

It's lynchin time !!

Of an office crush

Disclaimer: The following post may scare the sh*t out of you, especially if you are a girl. The author would like to state that the following events described are semi fictious which is an ingenious way of saying that the good parts are true and the bad scary parts are made up.

She was beautiful. The others didn't quite like her. Materialistic bastards. All they want is thin tall and skinny legs. I wont deny that she had a few extra pounds here and there. Ok, ok she had extra pounds everywhere. But I like girls with meat on their bones. Oddly thats something a lot of people don't understand.

I saw her (for what she was) for the first time on an ethnic day occasion in our office. She was wearing a red sari which accented her figure (not to mention the few extra pounds) which made her look like some Indian goddess of beauty (read: sex symbol). She was on another team which meant I had to direct my eyes across a clearing of cubicles and chairs to get a glimpse of her. Good thing was our team sat next to the pantry and so she had to pass me by to get a cup of coffee. This is was the best part of the day - a chance to hear the "swish-sway' of her sari as she moves, a whiff of her perfume, the wind of her proximity and my best part - a chance to glance at her over sized posterior which mesmerized me.

That's right. I'm more of an a$$ guy.

A female colleague of mine commented on the fact that she was elder than me. Bah, humbug. That doesn't bother me. There were bigger problems.

She's married. Happily married if I were to go on account of her orkut profile. Though this did disturb for the 30 seconds after I learned about it, I didn't let it hamper my feelings for her. I was pretty sure I could turn this one. No, that wasn't the problem that bothered me. What bothered me was that she was a manager.

Thats unchartered territory. A measly associate such as myself with a manager? Gods, it was unheard of! Not to mention the fact that if I were to ever act upon this crush I would most certainly lose my job. My frequent glances at her have been noticed (by her) and I think it was my feverishly frequent visits to her orkut profile that led her to delete it. She had locked her pics a long time ago, but I used to copy and paste her display pics; small as they were; but that was only my way of displaying my affection for her. That's not bad is it ?

It's a good thing she didn't catch me looking at her posterior. That would have been hard to explain.

Anyhoo, I was crushed. I couldn't approach her. I would sit at my desk trying to devise plans while my emails cropped up unanswered. I would try to anticipate her every move to my before said plans while my manager screamed at me during escalation plans. She was my everest and I had to climb her. Figuratively and literally.

The entire team knew of my secret crush. Well you cant call it a secret if you tell everyone about it on drunken night in a pub. But those were the male coleagues. They had no right to let the secret onto the female part of the team. Philistines!

But what was done had been done. The team decided to help me. During a friday fun activity with truth or dare game well in progress, I was asked to complete a dare. I was dared to go up to her and sing.

Ha! The perfect opportunity. I could sing well, my mummy used to say so herself. In fact she was so impressed she would always ask me to stop so I wouldn't strain my voice. This was it. I agreed to do the dare. Ignoring the snickers behind my back from the team I went ahead with extreme confidence. The few paces to her cubicle seemed to long for me but eventually I got there. I had the chance to smell her perfume again and a chance a good view of her posterior as she swivelled on her chair to look at me. I got down on one knee, spread my arms ala SRK, looked her in the eye and sang:

"Ooh my little pretty one, pretty one.
When you gonna give me some time, Sharona?
Ooh you make my motor run, my motor run.
Gun it comin' off the line Sharona
Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty mind. Always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Sharona..."

I was fired the next day. A restraining order was slapped on me the next week. Apparently she had noticed the admiration to the posterior a long time ago, but it was the singing that was the final straw.

Sigh.

Oh well, good thing I saved her display pics and the pics she had posted on orkut before she locked them all up.

But I do miss the posterior.

Of the broken hearted

We've all had it havent we ? At some point or the other we've all been broken hearted. Believe me its pretty serious business. Broken hearted people have done the caziest things like suicide, murder, arson, etc. And its pretty painful too. The gut wrenching pain of a twisted heart is the worst you can ever imagine.

So how do you mend it ? Easy. You dont. It mends itself. But there are a few things you can do to stop you from going loony and getting yourself hurt. So the below are a couple of do's and dont's for the broken hearted.

Oh, before I start - this is for guys. Girls, sorry but I dont know how you handle these situations. I'd be really obliged if you let me know though.

So, lets begin shall we ?

1. Do drink. Please go ahead. Indulge yourself in the sweet release of alcohol. I'm not going to say no to any broken hearted person who wants to drink. However make sure you drink with your friends and not alone. Do not drive after you drink and do not walk back to your house alone after you drink. You're likely to get mugged or worse still you'd probably think of stepping in front of the first car you see. So, please do drink, but drink safe.

2. Do cry. Boys dont cry is what they say. Well f**k that. You have to cry to get those emotions out. Just dont be a sobbing sop though. Get into the bathroom or your bedroom and let it all out for five minutes. Dry yourself up and get back out there. You'll probably be called a pansy for that, but let me tell you something. Holding back your emotions is just stupid. You're going to do yourself more harm than good and I mean physically. Please cry. Its frickin healthy.

3. Do a hobby. If you've had anything in mind, now's the best time. Collect coins, stamps, animal droppings for all I care but just do something. Try not to be idle as much as you can. Being idle will only make your thoughts go into the grief mode and thats when all the morbid and macabre plans start to materialize. So go ahead, do something. Write a story, a poem or paint something. The best works have always come out during the extremest of emotions. Who knows, you could make a lot of money out of it !

4. Do go to work. Taking the day off is not going to help. Go to the office, bury yourself neck deep in work until you cant take it anymore. Trust me, you'll never hate the office again.

5. Dont be alone. If you're a person who had no friends other than the woman you loved, by God are you pathetic! Go out with friends, get some male bonding done. Accept the fact that you're never really going to forget her or the love you had ... but you'll have one helluva beach rave party in Goa that'll get you pretty close.

6. Dont go to a prostitute. Major mistake. Not only are you going to lose money, you are also not going to get the passion and intensity you want. Besides with the grief you have inside you, you might not be able to perform and that is not going to do your self confidence any good.

7. Do not date. You're vulnerable. If your date shows any sign of care you're very likely to grab on to it and not let go. That's only going to get you dumped again. Dont date.

8. Do forgive. If you're thinking about revenge ... what are you: 15 ? If she's dumped you its for the best. Probably wouldnt have worked out any either way. Trying to find an explanation or trying to get back to her is not going to do you any good. Yeah, burning pictures (read: Jab We Met) are probably cool, and if the girl was one helluva slut who kept playing you on, then letting her have it over the phone is cool too. Otherwise its just not worth it.

9. Dont patch up. Do not go back to her. I gave you crying and poetry and thats about as much as I'll let you. Going back to the girl who dumped you is SAD! Period. She dumped you, you dont need her anymore. Get with it.

10. Do go home. If you have a family who understands and respects your emotions - go home, have a chat over coffee. You'll feel much better. If you have a conservative Indian family where love is the ultimate sin - steer clear. You're just likely to get a lot of them dreaded lectures.

And remember: you never will forget the ones you love. So dont even try to forget her. When broken hearted, you try to live on. It'll take time, I know but one night six months or maybe even six years later; one night you're going to lie down to sleep and then think to yourself: 'I didnt think about her at all today'.

Thats when you know its all over.

*Edit: Oh I forgot another "do". Laugh. Yep, try to laugh at everything. If you're colleague says the lamest joke you've ever heard then bray like a donkey. Its healthy and gets you in good spirits.

So go ahead, bray ... bray like there's no tomorrow!

Of chat rooms

Believe me, those things are a world of their own. I've only used yahoo chat rooms and have never tried MSN or IRC (remember those?). Yep, I can still remember the chat rooms and messengers of yester years, the advent of voice chat and cam chat - yes those were the good old days. I remember spending hours and money in internet cafe's chatting away with the world. I made some pretty good friends, learned a lot about virtual people, understood alter-ego's the hard way and learned loads about the internet and computers. I wouldnt be wrong if I were to say that most of the techno jargon I know today was obtained from those forays into the digital society.

But enough of tough words and long sentences. We're here to talk about chat rooms. If you've been to one you'll know what I will be talking about. If you havent been to one, be prepared to meet characters whose personality and lineage are intriguing, disturbing and complex than Tolkien's Middle Earth characters. Oh yes, chat rooms are a world of their own. I wont be talking about the language frequently used; I believe enough has been said about those; oh no - this is more of an insight on the various people who inhabit the chat world.

Before we start though, a disclaimer if you will. I've always logged onto Indian chat rooms. I've had brief forays into foreign chat rooms but have almost always never been able to fit in the converstations that take place there. Not to mention the fact that I've been rejected a number of times because I was Indian. Which is ironic considering I've been rejected countless number of times in Indian chat rooms because I was "mallu." The only place to go at that point of time were Kerala chat rooms where no says a darned thing ! Trust me, its like a ghost town in there.

So ... lets explore shall we ? From my experience into various chat rooms that spanned over seven years, I have come to the conclusion that chat rooms are inhabited by the following classes of people:

Mr.Frustrated:



Please note: almost always male. Penis for a brain.

Most people call them perverts. I beg to differ. These sad sorry souls are of three kinds. One: the young teenager who's libido has just "burst" onto the scene and who's probably new to the whole concept of chatting. For these kids the chat room is the ultimate wet fantasy. Sadly though, they're probably not allowed (by their parents) on any of them so whatever time they get to spend on a chat room is full of a mad desperate search for some "sex chat". Cant really blame them, weren't we all once teenagers ?

Two: The truly sexually frustrated. Age range: 25 to 50. Again almost exclusively male. Most probably will have a very very bad sense of English. You can always identify them with their disjointed meaningless sentences about sexual postures and foreplay. They will almost always not understand your nickname and will be unable to ascertain your sex. Case in point: nickname was grim_and_the_reaper. Mr Frustrated reads it as Greeshma and proceeds to "sex chat". Second case: nickname was Andy Fritz. Mr Frustrated reads: Aunty.

Three: The dangerously frustrated. They will change their preferences when at the peak of their lust. Compound it with bad English and you have one of the most weirdest conversations ever. Case in point: conversation below. AM is Alex Mcone and F3 is Mr Frustrated # 3.

F3: care to sex chat?

AM: Male here.

F3: np

AM: Sorry. Not gay.

F3: y u not happy ?

AM: I meant I'm not homosexual.

F3: me too (I have no idea what he means by that)

F3: i kiss you lips. (BUZZ!!)

AM: Are you gay ?

F3: yes. i very happy.

AM: Are you homosexual ?

F3: no

AM: So you're bisexual ?

F3: what you mean ?

AM: AAAARGHHHH !!!!!

F3: ahhhhhh, yesssssssssssssss. come in moooood.

Alter Ego:



The picture says it all doesnt it ?

Again they are of two types. One: The individual who is not happy with his or her current state of life and decides to create a non existent personality of themselves. For example, a guy scared of heights would probably claim he bungee jumps every second saturday and a girl who's not exactly popular will claim she had 33 boyfriends all of whom she slept with and wasnt very impressed. Note: the alter ego is not in the name but in the personality.

Two: An extended version of Mr. Frustrated # 3. They will change their gender in an effort to seduce unsuspecting men, like minded men and lesbians. Of course the latter results in some humorous results like when two men posing as women have "sex" with each other. Believe me, its always happened for I am yet to have met a real lesbian in any chat room. I guess they know about F3.

Mr./Ms. Romantic:



The Don Juan of cyberworld. They come in both genders and are hopelessly (literately) romantic. Some are easily identifiable by their nicknames like "male_seeks_luv" or "18girl4luv" and they come straight to the point while chatting. They also like to load the "Falling Hearts" environment while chatting so they can slap a big wet kiss on your computer screen every time they press Ctrl G.

While they're harmless they're very irritating. They keep spamming the public board with messages that are better off on personal ads like "28 m doctor seeking lady doctor for love and marriage". They also seem to believe in the ultimate commandment of humanity (thou shalt not love by looks) coz they seem to fall in love without even knowing what the person looks like. While encountering the romantic be prepared for extreme love anecdotes that will probably make you cringe. As you all know, internet romance does not have a good track record so most of them will be heart broken one way or the other. So where do they go to mend their hearts ? Yep, you guessed it : the chat rooms! And so, the circle of life is complete.

Note: The romantic does not include those who have chatted with each other for months and then decided that they probably are in love. No, the romantic for those desperate souls who fall in love with you 30 minutes after you say hi.

Cam Junkies:



A universal group. They come in all sizes, gender, race and country. Addiction: webcams. They are of three types.

One: The cam seeker. Will not have a webcam but is desperate to see one. Easily identifiable if you a are a girl or have a girly id coz they're the first one's to PM you with a one-word question: cam ? The ultimate aim of thie question ? To see you nude.

Two: The conservative cam holder. Has a cam. Will not show. Ever. Always female.

Three: The liberal cam holder. Exact opposite. Open cam. Will show everyone and usually everything. Almost always male.

Mic Junkies:



Similar to the cam junkie. Addiction: microphones. They are of two types:

One: The conventional artist. Sings either really well or eye wateringly bad. Or will just play a song. Not very irritating; you could always mute him or her if you dont want to listen. They come in both genders.

Two: The hip hop artist. The expletives of 50 cent and 2pac songs without the music ... or the rest of the lyrics for that matter. Almost exclusively male. And yes, extremely irritating.

Fundemantalists:



This is a rare one. No classifications here because a fundemntalist will always and only be that. Have you ever had someone come up to you preaching and trying to save your soul from the Devil. Well they're up there on the chat rooms too. But since most fundamentalists are averse to the internet and technology there are only a few. The ones who do come in either spew hate speeches about other religions or probably try to convert you with verses from various scriptures. They never PM you which is a relief.

I dont know what gender they come in. Usually hard to decipher since they dont PM ... and they're id's are always religious. Which makes them easy to identify.

Adults:



Now, dont get me wrong here. Adult does not mean adult themes and neither does it mean an individual over the legal age of 18. Adult in chat rooms are those who come in and do just that. Chat.

Never annoying or irritating, reading they're conversations is like hanging out with friends. Overtly friendly and they always open to strangers. However if the stranger is one of the above mentioned people, he or she is likely to get blocked.

Out of towners:



Extremely rare group. The person who has no clue why or how he or she entered the chat room. Will usually sit silent until someone comes up and chats with them, who unfortunately is always Mr. Frustrated.

Comes in both genders but is usually the occasional Filipino girl who enters Indian chat rooms. You can imagine the chaos when she does.

Note: Another out of towner: The frequent Indian boy in Filipino chat rooms.

Bots:



You've all heard the Terminator theory. One day, it seems, the computers, machines and robots will take over the world. While it may not happen in the real world it most surely will in the cyber world. Almost every chat room you enter will be filled with these despicable bots that in reality are computer programs devised to fool you into thinking you're chatting with a real person.

Bots keep getting sophisticated and real with every version of messenger. They're pretty hard to detect unless you find a pattern in their style of chat. The number of bots have increased over the years and every measure Yahoo tries to counter them, they just seem to get smarter and smarter with every move. So yes, the chatrooms of the future will belong to the bots. One day somewhere in the future you will come upon a chat room filled with bots chatting and trying to sell adult site subscriptions to each other.

Beware, the bot rebellion has begun.

Well thats about it. If you know any other classification I might have missed out do let me know. Until then, happy chatting!

This is classic

This is classic.

Stoopid to run onto the field, even more stoopid to run into the juggernaut called Andrew Symonds.