Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Of hating oneself

Have you ever hated yourself ? I know I have for the past couple of years. As you may know by now I've had three break ups so far and that means three heartbreaks and three instances where I've doubted myself. The last one was pretty damaging to the extent that finding the will to live was pretty hard to find.

I know, I know ... you must be thinking: God damn it, not another sorry frickin sap writing about his broken heart and trying to find sympathy. Well no. I don't believe you can find sympathy across the net. That's one good thing about this forest of wires and that's you'll find the most amount of sarcasm and hard hitting in your face advice anywhere in the world.

So yeah, I'm going to take a cue out of that. I'm going to rant about this despicable nature of humans: hating themselves and I'm going to start with myself.

I used to blame God for all this. You're probably familiar with that too. Anything goes wrong with my life, the first thing I do is turn up to the skies and ask : Why??
Well if God exists and he sat up there in heaven listening to me he'd probably crumple his Starbucks cup and scream back: "ME ?? What are you blaming me for ?? You didn't become an engineer ? DUH !!! Who was the one who didn't attend classes for the two years in pre-grad school ? Three heartbreaks ? DUDE ! Its you !! Nothing wrong with the girls. Its fricking you !! And you have the nerve to blame me ??!!"

If God was the scary omnipotent some cultures think He (or She) is I'd have been struck by lightning 1200 times by now.

So when I realized this important factor, I guessed I couldn't blame anyone else but myself. And so started the self-hating era. Remember Marvin from The Hitchhikers Guide? Well I was kind of like that. Nobody wants to talk to me. Nobody wants to be friends with me. Nobody wants to love me. Whats the point of it all ? Why not just end it ? Blah blah blahde blah!

Ewwwwww. I cringe with embarrassment and clench my fists in anger.

Ok, first off: thinking about suicide is cowardly. Plain and simple. I believe that the ones who do kill themselves have probably been driven to that ends of insanity to point a gun to their temple and pull the trigger. Thinking about it is a different matter. That means the individual is a plain scaredy cat. He's too scared to live and he's too scared to die. Either do it or don't but before you do remember this: it takes more courage to live than to die. And while we're on this point, no that life threatening disease is not coming your way. So stop hoping for it. The people who suffer from them would probably like to push a few stakes up your a$$ for thinking about it.

Get a life! No, no thats wrong. You already HAVE a life ! A life you messed up!! So get up on your feet and start molding it.

Remember Rumsfield saying that you go to war with what you have and with not what you wish you had ? While I disagree with the timing and the context of that statement it rings true in life. We all have dreams. We all have ambitions. I want to be an Academy Award winning screenplay writer. Thats my ultimate goal. Before when I used to look at the ruins of my life I used to go berserk over the fact that I'd never get to where I want to be. Well guess what, you'll never know until you get there. So if ever you feel that you're not going to get anywhere and will be stuck in this ditch forever then just do the following:

Shut the f**k up and start climbing. Either you'll get out or you'll die trying. Both are good.

And finally for those hopeless romantics: LOVE IS NOT EVERYTHING! Oh it sure will seem like it but its not! Out of the six billion in the world one billion probably hates you because of either your ethnicity, your religion, your color, your gender or your sexual preference. Does it really matter ... that things didn't work out with the one person you thought was your soul mate ? If you've been dumped; take it from me : that's the best time to clean your act. In fact I think that is the best thing that will have happened to you. You will not find a better chance of looking at yourself for what you really are. If you still cant deal with it check my previous post.

If you think I've missed out on a few crucial points let me know. And please don't bring religion into this. Not that I dislike religions, its just that I believe in humanity more and I want this post to be about humanity.


FriedClyde said...

so basically you hated yourself earlier...correct?


Alex Mcone said...

Oh yes, and now I've decided to love myself for what I am and for what I will be.


Ekim said...

Nice rant, good work.
Some people hate based on what others do for a living.

Alex Mcone said...

Well I've never been subject to that abuse, but I guess the paper boy, garbage man and the door to door salesman would fall under that category.

Blog Lady Dee, Blog Lady Elle said...

You remind of a friend of mine. Congrats on the epiphany--it's saved you thousands in therapy... I'm still waiting for him to have his.

I've always been one of those tiresome *tough love* people..."If your life sucks...then fix it, because no one else can do it for you," has been my standard for years.

I'll be checking back for more tales from the climb from the ditch. I'm interested in your progress. Good luck with molding your life.

Alex Mcone said...

Well, if you dont hear anymore about me trying to rebuild my life then take it that I've suceeded.

Otherwise I'll be sure to rant again!


Seema said...

I couldnt agree more to this -

"So if ever you feel that you're not going to get anywhere and will be stuck in this ditch forever then just do the following:
Shut the f**k up and start climbing. Either you'll get out or you'll die trying. Both are good" ...well i trust that if you've made that start to get off there then its half done and the rest is gonna get done neways!

Anythings better than being stuck up with the dumper !

Cheers..no way can you hate yrself!

Alex Mcone said...

Why thank you! Comments like these just make my day !

Datasmith said...

hey hi....

This is my second day in my new company in bangalore.... my eyes burn out..... skin so dry more importantly.... even with the courage to live.. i feeel worse than a dead meat worth for nothing.... i always care about others and never about me...... always give up myself for and interests for others... its like others first and im last.... i love being so....... is that a problem really? how can one start loving oneself????????? i just can figure it out........... isnt it being extreme introvert? not that its a sin...... 25 years of being so how the f*** do i start?????
I mourn in the office trying to cover up the boiling emotions and puuting a fake smile on my face... my freinds have left to US from blore... its all new company... my team is looking upto me.. and im feeling like i standing atop hill a billion people and "alone in the crowd!!!!!"

Alex Mcone said...

Heya Datasmith, I hope you'll be back to read the reply.

I'm not sure of how good I am at giving advice but here goes:

"its like others first and im last.... i love being so....... is that a problem really?"

Oh yes ... that is a problem. Look this is YOUR life, ok ? And yes we might be inspired by the likes of Gandhi (God bless him) but the world is tough enough without you making it so. And if Gandhi were to come back alive the first thing he'd regret is not looking after himself.

"how can one start loving oneself????????? i just can figure it out........... isnt it being extreme introvert?"

No it isnt because that's not what I was talking about. Loving yourself does not mean shutting yourself from the world. It means giving PRIORITY to oneself. Thats the key word.

"25 years of being so how the f*** do i start?????"

Congrats! You're thinking about it. Thats a start!

I'm not sure I completely understand about the fake smiles in the office (we all do it by the way) ... so you're going to have to fill me in on it.

Hope this helps and may you lead a more fulfilling life!

Datasmith said...

No alex it doesnt...

This iis how i feel...

The person whom i loved has feelings for someonelse and not me.. but realises that it is not going to work out at all and is trying to get out of it,,, he has been cribbing a lot about needing time... its been almost 5 months since we have known each other.... just few days back i did something stupid when he was with the person to whom he had feelings for.... the twist that person and me are now good friends.... that person understands that im in love with him and is very supportive to me....

Now i realise that for quite a long time i have been giving up whom i have liked.... i havent really liked myself at all (i dont know how to do that- and i realize is a big problem for me)...
I cannot and don want to give up loving him.. he says ill have to take a step back and give it sometime... but my heart burns alll day just thinking that i m putting in this distance to add to this all my freinds have left bangalore... very few here... plus its a totally new office far off from the city and im not able to concentrate...

I feel so dry and empty .( its like telling the kid in you don cry we cannot afford to buy that thing so just shut up and sit... yet it cries a lot)

I dont know what to do but for sure im crying a lot to take it out slowly... but i will continue to love him the way he is and when he comes back tome i hope god gives me the ability to accept him in my arms..and arrest in my breathe forever :(
a 1000 deeep breathes i have taken... yet its so dry within.....
what do i do whom do i call for?

Datasmith said...

your suggestion?

Tim said...

Very nicely put. I was looking on the net if there were any articles related to self-hatred, which I'm going through right now. I already had found a way of solving this situation, and reading your article ensured me that I'm on the right path. I used to blame God, but after a while...I found out that the only person to blame is me. I was the one who failed myself, I was the one who fucked up my life, I'm responsible for everythign. Might as well shut up and start climbing, get rich quick or die tryin...crying and complainin on the contrary never got anyone anywhere. Good advice, man!

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